Sometimes I wonder...

I love driving. It is one of the only activities that calms me down. On nice days, roll the window down with good driving music...you really can't ask for anything more. It just puts me in a zone where my hamster is in overdrive. I am stuck in traffic, looking at the dude next to me picking his nose - very attractive, and then I stop and wonder. Who would I have been if I wasn't me? Would I react to a different love song? Would Backstreet Boys be my band of preference over Aerosmith? What if I was never sick? Who would I be? What would change? Would I be the person who I thrive on not being?

Since I can remember, people told me that I should change. I am crude, honest, and cuss like a sailor, but I am a hard worker, I am a dreamer, and I fight for things I believe in. When I was faced with cancer and those same people saw me deal with my frustrations, the pain, the hospital, the injections, the bloodtests, etc. they turned around and said, "thank god you are the way you are or else you would not have been able to deal with all of this." It scares me to think of who I could have been.

This is what having cancer did to me. It makes me think of all the angles. Like a movie playing in my head, or a series of books, I notice everything, I feel everything, I think of everything. Scenarios play themsleves before me and in some I am the lead role, who fights the battle and wins in the end! The other scenario...well I wonder...Today I am a little sad.

Whoever I could I have been...it is obvious I was not meant to be. I can't change. I won't. Like me or hate me, doesn't make a difference. In the end you have to look at yourself in the mirror. My tumor is gone. I look in the mirror and I cry everyday because no matter how strong I am it pains me to know I had to go through all this, but I did it...

I heard kids on the radio today talking about their chemo treatments and what they are going through. I cried in my car. My driving experience rendered me numb. Window down but no great music. I heard kids talking about cancer. These are great kids. If I could hug them I would. I wonder if they would hug me back. I don't know who they are yet I feel connected to them on so many levels. They are stronger than I am. It is to them I look up to. I just sometimes wonder....