A rant without coffee...

This morning had my first appointment towards this process called "Radiation Therapy". I have been having a bad couple of days lately. Cranky as hell. Even Sweet Tarts have lost their fantastical impact on my candy cravings. That is when I know I need chill time.

Get to the radio-oncology department and I was greeted by this really cool radiation therapist, Melissa. She explained to me that today they were making a mask, which means a mold of my head. How totally cool is that? I was actually excited. She's explaining it to me...first a neck mold to hold my neck in place and then a plastic mesh over my face to lock down the position so I won't move - I was fascinated! It was like those sado-mach masks but made out of plastic. Can't move. Just enough to breathe...lol...I was loving it. The other radiation therapist must have thought I was retarded for sure.

Tomorrow I have to go in so they can start drawing the lines from my chest to my neck. This sucks. "Umm, can we draw them another day because I have a television interview tomorrow?" They replied,"Wear a scarf."...lol....They mean business....this is what I mean by karma people. Throw me a friggin' bone plz! Jeeze Louise...lol..Its selfish, I know, but hey maybe people will then take me seriously if they see me on televsion with all these drawn lines on my neck.

To be honest I think this is what has been frustrating me lately. I realize many people are not taking me seriously. I'll tell you why...I don't look sick and I don't act it. I haven't at all during this whole process. No sunk-in cheeks, no weight-loss (if anything I gained...sucks ass!), no nothing! I still party and drink it up with my friends. What? I have seen people shrug my cancer off like it was a bad cold. Are you people on drugs? You would think being ill and having to go through all this would have made me a more patient individual. Instead it has rendered me intolerable of stupidity.

I have never asked for pity. My pride won't stand for it. Anyone who knows me, knows that all too well. I just get the feeling that people expected to see me crouch into a corner and slowly die within my own self-pity. You have another thing coming to you if you think that. I can not stand the insincerity of certain individual's, and fundraising or no fundraising...their money is no good to me. The purpose of giving is something that of the heart. It needs to be given because you have been touched by a story, whether it be mine or someone else's. I can look myself in the mirror and be proud knowing that I am doing something out of the goodness of being. I know those who have supported me. Every night I feel blessed by knowing they are there. I had cancer. I fought it my way. My rules are the only rules that reign, in my life, because I know how to live my way. Accepting is the first step in knowing. I won't apologize for not looking like a "cancer" patient or milking the fact that I was one.

I need a coffee real bad...jeeze louise...Aunt Joanne, are we going to have a session???...lol