Tomorrow

When I was first thought to have cancer, the doctors were not able to fully diagnose which one it was. So obviously you think the worst. I imagined was myself in a coffin. All I envisioned were my parents crying. I didn't see anything, or anyone else. That sucked hard.

After finding out that I had Hodgkin's and knowing that it was treatable, I made a promise to myself to live how I saw fit. You sort of think you are invincible, even though you are almost bald and constantly vomitting. I became realistic of my situation. People continuosly say, "think positive". Yeah because my whole mission in life is to be negative! I woke up one morning and had cancer. Thats what happened. YOU try and think positive after some crap like that smacks your face into a huge reality check.

I think now that my skin is alot harder. My heart alot bigger but still on its guard, and my arms alot longer for those hugs I love so much. I need to be embraced by goodness. I don't think I can handle anymore bad news. I am tired. I need a break. I need time to breathe.

Tomorrow I get my results. I don't let alot of my emotions show but i'll tell you that I am totally shitting in my pants. Tomorrow I find out if my tumor is gone, when I start radiation and when I am expected to have a "clean bill of health". I am scared. This disease could potentially come back within the first 2 years. Someone up there better like me enough because I am not taking this shit no more...lol...

I guess i'll tell you tomorrow what happens. I need a bloody caesar really bad...lol...cheers!