Radio-Oncology Appointment

The hospital called me yesterday for my Radiation Therapy consultation. Chemo down, radio to go. I am a bit nervous. Everything is so new and I am learning as I go. If you would have asked me last year what I forsaw in 2008, let me tell you, cancer was not in the plan.

I had everything. My hair. My identity. My success in school and work. Applying for gradschool. My social life. In one day, it was gone. Within 8hrs, it was gone. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. It was when I had my Chemotherapy consultation that I broke down into my father's arms in the parking lot. I screamed. I saw black. I didn't ask, why me? Who would have answered?

Everyone began to treat me differently. They saw me in different eyes. I was held with white gloves. No one knew what to say besides, "pray to God, he will save you!" "Have faith!" "Think positive." LOL. That would really piss me off. (maybe I do have anger issues...lol)

My biggest fault is that I over analyze things, I must admit. I play everything in my mind like a looping movie reel. I remember everything. I am in a good place now. I never demonstrated that the cancer had me. I would cry in the shower, so no one would hear me, while I saw my hair breaking apart from its roots into my hands. That was the hardest thing for me. I am good now. It's almost over. I am still a bit worried though. It's easy for people to express words of encouragement. I am grateful for them, but realistically...in one ear out the other. I blocked myself off like a boxer does before he steps out into the ring. I was in my zone.

My doctor told me that it was good that I did that because it helped ME fight my cancer. I guess we all have our different tactics. Tomorrow is another fight, another hurtle in the process of "cancer survival". I am getting tired, but never demoralized, just tired. My pride always gets the best of me because even if you have kicked me down, I'll get up. Call it the genetic make-up of the Polito's if you will...lol...

Tomorrow is radiotherapy. They will tell me about my sessions. They will draw lines on my chest where the tumor was. I will start radiation soon.