Not going to happen! Never give in!

Since August 2007, everyone said I should put my life on hold and take care of my health. hmmm...knowing myself as well as I do, stopping school was not a reasonable option. I know, I know...health comes first, but I am a very stubborn gal and I think it would have meant that I was defeated. Not going to happen!

When treatments began, I felt I was invincible. I was still full-time at school. I needed to work hard to build a portfolio for my Masters. Everything was about the Masters. Masters. Masters. Masters. I was working on a show in the Fall semester, one which administration wanted to remove me from because they felt they were taking into consideration my health...hmmm - stubborn Lisa says, "not going to happen!" During "chemo week" I was a vegetable on my couch and during "non-chemo week" I was pulling hours in the costume shop. Insane.

Chemo was taking it's toll. I was getting tired. I was vomitting. Didn't matter where I was, the toilet became my best friend. I was losing my hair, more and more. I shaved it once the show closed. X-mas break and I crashed. I had over worked myself. As much as I was in physical pain and how I felt the repercussions of my insanity, as much as I despised my design baby, the only thing that made me feel satisfied was knowing that I had completed my work, despite people's opinions and that I had the help of my fantastical friend, Phil.

I feel that we as individuals make constant choices everyday. Whether they be good and/or bad, it is with these choices that we establish who we are and who we become. When ill, you have a choice to make. Live or give in. I have heard stories from family members of cancer patients where they claim that once giving in, that is when the cancer took over and unfortunately things turned for the worse. Thankfully, my cancer was not a terminal one, but I have seen what giving in, dying or not, does. It's not pretty.

When diagnosed, I was like oh my god! Am I going to die? I am not going to get married? I am not going to have kids? WTF? I just assumed I had time. I am 27, young, and at my prime. I had all the time in the world to build a career, eventually get married and hopefully have children. But at that moment, time seems to stop and all you are looking at is one huge black hole. Before, I was able to see 5 years ahead if me. In August, I saw nothing.

SNAP OUT OF IT! GET UP! FIGHT THIS! Not going to happen! Never give in! This is what I continued to tell myself. As much as being sick hurt me. During those days I cried by looking at myself in the mirror. Those times where I hated school and everyone there. Those times I wished I was with someone so I would not have gone through all this alone. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I wasn't alone. I had my family and my friends. I had the rest of my life to look forward to. My ambitions should not have changed because of this TUMOR in the road. My desires should not change because I want it all. The career. The house. The husband. the 2.2 children. lol...I want it all!

It's official. I will be attending Brandeis University in the fall. I received my scholarship. It hasn't hit me yet. I assume that once I make the move to Boston i'll be hit with the overwhleming feeling that everything I worked for finally paid off. At the same time, making such a huge move leaves me excited, yet sad. Does this make sense? When can I get a break from this emotinal rollercoaster? I hear Boston boys are delish...lol...

We can't predict the future. God knows I learned that the hard way, but Hey!!! If you're gonna live it! LIVE it hard!! and Rock it like it's no one's business. Never give in!