I finally cried this morning!

Ok....so.....I woke up this morning. Started listening to my ITunes. I cracked. F*&K!!! Is it normal to feel numb and yet have tears stream down your face? I am so confused. I stopped asking, why me? I had cancer. It followed me. It took over my life. Now I am going to get better and prove to those that the spirit never dies even though sometimes hope and faith may decide to take a left turn.

Last summer, before I was diagnosed, I saw WICKED in London and cried during the song "Defying Gravity". I just thought it was such a beautiful song and obviously so powerful sung on stage with those magnificent costumes and elaborate set. It was that moment when I decided that I was meant to be a Costume Designer. No matter what people thought, no matter what people said, but when I got sick I lost that hope. Bad Lisa. I am allowed to have a moment of weakness, jeeze louise!

I have looked at myself in the mirror so many times. I have seen my hair fall off. I have seen my face change, my body deform and as much I am looking at "Lisa" in that shady reflection, everyone is going to see me come back tenfold. There is something that happens to you when you get sick. People look different. You see everyone in a different light. It's like your intuition is set on HIGH. I can smell fear. It's really something else.

I thought life as I knew it was over. 8 months later, I say, watch out! I set out to make my desires a reality, even when people said I shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Kiss my arse is what I say! Karma with a sprinkle of pixie dust...fantastical...

All I know is that my tears are those of overwhelming happiness. I do not wish my experience bestowed upon anyone, and I have said it from the beginning, better me and not someone I care about. The irony is the although I will soon have a clean bill of health...this is not over. It will reside in the back of my mind for the rest of my days. It has taken a toll on my heart and scarred my loved ones. We are stronger for it. Let us see what tomorrow may bring.

Innocence, by Avril Lavigne - http://youtube.com/watch?v=47zTfXOFeTQ
Defying Gravity, WICKED - http://youtube.com/watch?v=J0BrlemGPJE&feature=related