The STRENGTH CARD

Like its ruling sign Leo, this is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. This card assures the Querent that they can control not only the situation, but themselves. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

http://www.aeclectic.net/basics/strength.shtml

Not going to happen! Never give in!

Since August 2007, everyone said I should put my life on hold and take care of my health. hmmm...knowing myself as well as I do, stopping school was not a reasonable option. I know, I know...health comes first, but I am a very stubborn gal and I think it would have meant that I was defeated. Not going to happen!

When treatments began, I felt I was invincible. I was still full-time at school. I needed to work hard to build a portfolio for my Masters. Everything was about the Masters. Masters. Masters. Masters. I was working on a show in the Fall semester, one which administration wanted to remove me from because they felt they were taking into consideration my health...hmmm - stubborn Lisa says, "not going to happen!" During "chemo week" I was a vegetable on my couch and during "non-chemo week" I was pulling hours in the costume shop. Insane.

Chemo was taking it's toll. I was getting tired. I was vomitting. Didn't matter where I was, the toilet became my best friend. I was losing my hair, more and more. I shaved it once the show closed. X-mas break and I crashed. I had over worked myself. As much as I was in physical pain and how I felt the repercussions of my insanity, as much as I despised my design baby, the only thing that made me feel satisfied was knowing that I had completed my work, despite people's opinions and that I had the help of my fantastical friend, Phil.

I feel that we as individuals make constant choices everyday. Whether they be good and/or bad, it is with these choices that we establish who we are and who we become. When ill, you have a choice to make. Live or give in. I have heard stories from family members of cancer patients where they claim that once giving in, that is when the cancer took over and unfortunately things turned for the worse. Thankfully, my cancer was not a terminal one, but I have seen what giving in, dying or not, does. It's not pretty.

When diagnosed, I was like oh my god! Am I going to die? I am not going to get married? I am not going to have kids? WTF? I just assumed I had time. I am 27, young, and at my prime. I had all the time in the world to build a career, eventually get married and hopefully have children. But at that moment, time seems to stop and all you are looking at is one huge black hole. Before, I was able to see 5 years ahead if me. In August, I saw nothing.

SNAP OUT OF IT! GET UP! FIGHT THIS! Not going to happen! Never give in! This is what I continued to tell myself. As much as being sick hurt me. During those days I cried by looking at myself in the mirror. Those times where I hated school and everyone there. Those times I wished I was with someone so I would not have gone through all this alone. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I wasn't alone. I had my family and my friends. I had the rest of my life to look forward to. My ambitions should not have changed because of this TUMOR in the road. My desires should not change because I want it all. The career. The house. The husband. the 2.2 children. lol...I want it all!

It's official. I will be attending Brandeis University in the fall. I received my scholarship. It hasn't hit me yet. I assume that once I make the move to Boston i'll be hit with the overwhleming feeling that everything I worked for finally paid off. At the same time, making such a huge move leaves me excited, yet sad. Does this make sense? When can I get a break from this emotinal rollercoaster? I hear Boston boys are delish...lol...

We can't predict the future. God knows I learned that the hard way, but Hey!!! If you're gonna live it! LIVE it hard!! and Rock it like it's no one's business. Never give in!

Radio, steak and sushi...oh my!!!!

Went to the doctor's yesterday. I think I literally saw him for 5 min. I wasted 2hrs for a 5 min consult...how amazing is that? Ok, so I am starting radiation alot sooner than I had expected. The nurse, who was an absolute peach, just said the treatment itself is like getting an x-ray. It lasts 2 min and you are DONE. Amazing! Chemo was literally and 8hr thing, well with the tests and all. I can deal with radio. It's almost over. I can't wait.

I have been eating sushi 3x a week. I am surprised I haven't fallen over yet. This sunday, EGGS BENEDICT! How exciting! I don't think you can appreciate food until someone tells you that you can't eat your faves anymore. It really screws you up.

During my treatment 6, there was this stunning woman sitting across from me. Her teenage daughter and husband by her side. She smelled fresh. She was new. I felt bad. You can pretty much tell who the newbies are. It's sad. The pharmacist came in explaining to her what was going to be HER process. She accepted it. Then she was told she couldn't eat certain foods. Her fave was bloody steak. She cried. My heart sank. She was like, "What do you mean I can't have it?" Like what's the big deal over her steak or my sushi? It's the sense of giving up your control over something which, in turn, controls you.

I saw her yesterday at the hospital. Hotter than ever. Sporting a shaved head likes its no one's business. She is going to have her steak soon for sure.

It's funny because when I was the newbie, I was petrified. I did not want to talk to anyone. Here were patients with their hats, wigs, and shaved heads. I did not accept my predicament. Then here comes newbie with 2ft of hair and they were probably smelling my fear and thinking to themselves, "She has no idea what is about to happen.." Man it sucks. It's like walking into a bar and everyone knows your name...NORM!!! Instead of a bar and making a dent in the stool..it's a hospital. A cubical space. An I-V bag with your name on it. Labels on all the drugs they have to give you. This is not the way I wanted people to know me. But now you know me. It's all good!

Radio-Oncology Appointment

The hospital called me yesterday for my Radiation Therapy consultation. Chemo down, radio to go. I am a bit nervous. Everything is so new and I am learning as I go. If you would have asked me last year what I forsaw in 2008, let me tell you, cancer was not in the plan.

I had everything. My hair. My identity. My success in school and work. Applying for gradschool. My social life. In one day, it was gone. Within 8hrs, it was gone. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. It was when I had my Chemotherapy consultation that I broke down into my father's arms in the parking lot. I screamed. I saw black. I didn't ask, why me? Who would have answered?

Everyone began to treat me differently. They saw me in different eyes. I was held with white gloves. No one knew what to say besides, "pray to God, he will save you!" "Have faith!" "Think positive." LOL. That would really piss me off. (maybe I do have anger issues...lol)

My biggest fault is that I over analyze things, I must admit. I play everything in my mind like a looping movie reel. I remember everything. I am in a good place now. I never demonstrated that the cancer had me. I would cry in the shower, so no one would hear me, while I saw my hair breaking apart from its roots into my hands. That was the hardest thing for me. I am good now. It's almost over. I am still a bit worried though. It's easy for people to express words of encouragement. I am grateful for them, but realistically...in one ear out the other. I blocked myself off like a boxer does before he steps out into the ring. I was in my zone.

My doctor told me that it was good that I did that because it helped ME fight my cancer. I guess we all have our different tactics. Tomorrow is another fight, another hurtle in the process of "cancer survival". I am getting tired, but never demoralized, just tired. My pride always gets the best of me because even if you have kicked me down, I'll get up. Call it the genetic make-up of the Polito's if you will...lol...

Tomorrow is radiotherapy. They will tell me about my sessions. They will draw lines on my chest where the tumor was. I will start radiation soon.

I am just the girl next door....

I am really glad that ppl are enjoying this blog. I was a bit skeptical at the beginning. Does anyone really care about what is going on in my life? Does it really make a difference? My logic was that if anyone was bored and had 5 min to kill they might take a gander. Fantastical!

I have received overwhelming response by ppl thinking that I am an inspiration or someone to be admired. To be honest, that sort of bothers me. I had a choice to make. Fight this cancer and be happy with life or wilt in misery. I did not accept that fact that I had cancer. I did not accept what was going on. I do not accept that I might not be able to have children. I DO NOT ACCEPT! This is MY life. MY RULES> MY WAY!

The irony is that this has always been my character and its only now recognized in a positive way because of the fact that I had cancer...its all good! Reality is, though, I am just the girl next door who got sick. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't acknowledge. This is how life is, until it hits close to home, most of us don't wake up. I am wide AWAKE.

I have always lived my life to the fullest. My friend and nonno died of cancer when I was 19. I saw what it did. My cancer was a blink of the eye compared to theirs. I vowed that life was about making myself happy, to be surrounded by goodness, to be remembered. I figured I would be famous and that is how ppl would know who Lisa Polito is...lol. Now i'll be remembered as the girl who survived Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer. I am not saying that it's a bad thing, but it sort of sucks.

I continued with school. I persisted for my MFA. I decided to start fundraising for the Lymphoma Foundation Canada. This is what makes me sleep at night. To know that being sick, or what I prefer to call "slightly defective" does not dictate who you are or who you become. It doesn't take over. If any of you were in my shoes, you would have done the same thing. I am just the girl next door....

Happy Bunny-Egg Day!!!

I always look for the most retarded ways of expressing a "holiday" sentiment...lol...

Today will be the first sit-down lunch I will have with my family and amazingly, will not have to run to the bathroom to vomit. How fantastical? It really is the little things that you come to appreciate when not having to do chemotherapy. Ahhh, my enemy....

Chemotherapy sucks beyond repair. Today is not a day to really get into it. I will soon. But imagine my face when after doing my 12 treatments and the doctor says, "felicitations - vous avez fini, en theorie". That is where you want to take her face and poke out her eyes...lol. Ahh, thank god I don't have any anger issues, jeeze louise! CHEMO IS OVER!!!!

On this note, I would just like to wish everyone a great, happy bunny-egg day. Cherish your lunch/dinner because when you throw up nonna's brasciola...it is way UNCOOL!!! Speak to y'all soon!

I finally cried this morning!

Ok....so.....I woke up this morning. Started listening to my ITunes. I cracked. F*&K!!! Is it normal to feel numb and yet have tears stream down your face? I am so confused. I stopped asking, why me? I had cancer. It followed me. It took over my life. Now I am going to get better and prove to those that the spirit never dies even though sometimes hope and faith may decide to take a left turn.

Last summer, before I was diagnosed, I saw WICKED in London and cried during the song "Defying Gravity". I just thought it was such a beautiful song and obviously so powerful sung on stage with those magnificent costumes and elaborate set. It was that moment when I decided that I was meant to be a Costume Designer. No matter what people thought, no matter what people said, but when I got sick I lost that hope. Bad Lisa. I am allowed to have a moment of weakness, jeeze louise!

I have looked at myself in the mirror so many times. I have seen my hair fall off. I have seen my face change, my body deform and as much I am looking at "Lisa" in that shady reflection, everyone is going to see me come back tenfold. There is something that happens to you when you get sick. People look different. You see everyone in a different light. It's like your intuition is set on HIGH. I can smell fear. It's really something else.

I thought life as I knew it was over. 8 months later, I say, watch out! I set out to make my desires a reality, even when people said I shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Kiss my arse is what I say! Karma with a sprinkle of pixie dust...fantastical...

All I know is that my tears are those of overwhelming happiness. I do not wish my experience bestowed upon anyone, and I have said it from the beginning, better me and not someone I care about. The irony is the although I will soon have a clean bill of health...this is not over. It will reside in the back of my mind for the rest of my days. It has taken a toll on my heart and scarred my loved ones. We are stronger for it. Let us see what tomorrow may bring.

Innocence, by Avril Lavigne - http://youtube.com/watch?v=47zTfXOFeTQ
Defying Gravity, WICKED - http://youtube.com/watch?v=J0BrlemGPJE&feature=related

Today - Results

I started off my morning by meeting up with Angele Menard, who is the director of the Lymphoma Foundation Canada, here in Montreal. Over a good cup of coffee, we discussed where I was headed with the events being planned. Things are progressing. She is happy, I am happy, hopefully I won't disappoint my many supporters.

12:32 p.m. I leave the cafe and head off to Maisonneuve Hospital where my mother is waiting for me so we can get my results from the x-rays I took last week. Last week I had to drink that gross liquid. 2 "beer" glass size filled with what looks like orange crush but tastes like glue. yum.yum. You have to drink it in 10 minutes and wait for 2 hrs before taking this specific exam, and the retarded joke is that there is another glass waiting for you before they hook you up to the machine. Those bastards!!!

Dr. Fish, my oncologist, sees me and calls me in the office. My mother is already tearing up and I have absolutely no reaction. WTF??? Dr. Fish looks at me and smiles. I tell him about the work I am doing for the foundation and that I got my scholarship to gradschool for my MFA. I am moving to Boston, fantastical! He tells my mother, "You have quite the implicit daughter." I am assuming I should take that as a compliment. I guess I shall have to bring a dictionary with me when I leave for Boston...lol...

He says things are looking good. My mother doesn't feel that this is a good enough reply, she needs details. "Is it gone?", she asks. "The tumor is gone." She double takes and kisses me all over, crying like a babe. I had lipstick marks everywhere and was more frustrated by having that all over my face...lol...She got up to kiss the doc and he didn't mind the liptick at all. I love him.

So guys this is what it is. My tumor is gone. Doesn't mean that my process is over though. I still have to undergo exams and start radiation to make sure that everything is out! OUT! OUT!OUT! This is fantastical news. What is better that he reassured my mother about me moving away and that all will be well.

We went to see nonna and nonno to tell them about the goodness. My mom screamed so loudly inside the garage that nonno freaked out a bit because his hearing aid went into overdrive...lol...god, I love my family, the crazies and tards all together. Nonna is going to donate money to Santo Rocco in Reggio Calabria, Italy because it was to him she prayed for my good health and to him she will give $500.00. What do you think he will do with it? ahh well...

Today was a good day. Now I have to go sew some pants for costume class tomorrow...YAY!! (arrrgghhhhh).

Tomorrow

When I was first thought to have cancer, the doctors were not able to fully diagnose which one it was. So obviously you think the worst. I imagined was myself in a coffin. All I envisioned were my parents crying. I didn't see anything, or anyone else. That sucked hard.

After finding out that I had Hodgkin's and knowing that it was treatable, I made a promise to myself to live how I saw fit. You sort of think you are invincible, even though you are almost bald and constantly vomitting. I became realistic of my situation. People continuosly say, "think positive". Yeah because my whole mission in life is to be negative! I woke up one morning and had cancer. Thats what happened. YOU try and think positive after some crap like that smacks your face into a huge reality check.

I think now that my skin is alot harder. My heart alot bigger but still on its guard, and my arms alot longer for those hugs I love so much. I need to be embraced by goodness. I don't think I can handle anymore bad news. I am tired. I need a break. I need time to breathe.

Tomorrow I get my results. I don't let alot of my emotions show but i'll tell you that I am totally shitting in my pants. Tomorrow I find out if my tumor is gone, when I start radiation and when I am expected to have a "clean bill of health". I am scared. This disease could potentially come back within the first 2 years. Someone up there better like me enough because I am not taking this shit no more...lol...

I guess i'll tell you tomorrow what happens. I need a bloody caesar really bad...lol...cheers!

"Tavola Grande"

My hall is booked for the 25th of May, the meal fantastical! Trying to line up some amazing acts so my "guests" won't get bored on a Sunday afternoon...hmmm...guests, I NEED BODIES!!! Jeeze Louise. Organizing is hard, but I am totally enjoying the challenge. My committee is comprised of a group of friends whom I love and adore. I have to believe all will work out.

I am doing this for a greater good and hopefully "God" will be nice to me this year because Santa was amazing, to my surprise!...hmmm....no more bad surprises! Jeeze Louise.

I implore you, support Lymphoma Research. Come to Tavola Grande and experience an afternoon with my nonna and nonno..lol. Nonna claims to not speak english but man she can understand it....lol. Tavola Grande is where I would have a meal with my family, around the "big table". Those who have supported my cause, and there have been many, also some that I have no idea who they are, but have now become part of my Tavola Grande because they are my family, friends, and supporters.

I will continue posting info as we go along, but if there is anyone reading this and would like more info about anything, please write to: wiggedoutinpurple@gmail.com.

My New Anthem - Bitchology

A friend of mine sent me an email with this little shpeel. I will consider this my anthem. I am a fighter. I persevere. I survived. I live!

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch. When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch. When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

Reason for this blog...

I started this blog and I am pretty much just writing away...my thoughts, feelings and trying to explain this process I am going through. I created a group on Facebook because I felt this overwhelming urge to organize a fundraiser in collaboration with the Lymphoma Foundation Canada (http://www.lymphoma.ca). I am beginning to realize what I got myself into and I am starting to think..SHIT!

I need to give back. I need to help those who helped me. I need to do something that could potentially snowball into something bigger. This is the idealistic Lisa who thinks all is possible. If you think it, it can happen. Realistic Lisa says, I started, I need to finish whatever the outcome may be because if you think it, it WILL happen! Live it, love it, rock it!

Step 1. I joined different friends together, from different backgrounds and characters and developed a committee. Great. Now rather than having one event, Lisa says, no we are having 2. lol...OMG! One in May, a luncheon with family and friends. More of a community effort to raise funds. The second in August, a show of sorts. Jeeze louise.

I am meeting with the director of the foundation on Monday to discuss plans because structure is required at this stage of the game. As much as I might be flustered by the predicament I put myself in, it needs to be done. Lymphoma Cancer sucks ass. I am fortunate because what I have is treatable unlike most cancers. People need to get informed. There is much needed funding for research.

I AM NOT HERE TO RIP PEOPLE OFF. I AM TAKING AN INITIATIVE. IF I WANTED TO STEAL FROM PEOPLE I WOULD WORK FOR 976.HOT.MAMA....LOL

You can also check out Angele, who is the Director on the website for any information. http://www.lymphoma.ca/en/contact-us.htm

What an amazing night, with leftover sushi for breakfast...yum, yum!

ohayou gozaimasu (good morning). Tried Toyo last night for the first time. Cool resto with chefs who cook in front you. Our chef wasn't as animated as the dude at the next table, but hey he fed me and that's what counts. Ordered more sushi than I should have, but Sandra, Rosanna and I tried our best to consume the deliciousness. The idiot that I am, I decided to wear my tight jeans which are now tighter because of the weight I gained thanks to the miracle of chemotherapy. I literally woke up with a bruise on my hip bone for how much the jeans jabbed into my body. Totally worth it. I should have unzipped my pants at the resto, but hey don't want to give people the wrong impression...lol!

So here I am having such a amazing time, with great friends, good food and much needed liquor consumption and I am thinking to myself, friggin' awesome! To my surprise...lol...leftover sushi to take home. Guess who is eating it for breakfast with a strong cup of coffee. Damn straight.

Since being diagnosed my support system really overwhelmed me. I became surrounded by warmth, empathy and love. Much to my surprise people who I hadn't anticipated to be there, were. I have been blessed by these walls of protection for it saved my sanity throughout this experience. It's unfortunate how sometimes it is within a life-altering experience that you realize who your friends are and that's cool. I'd rather know now than 20 yrs down the road. Some people can't handle the intensity of illness and disease, but reality is...we all get our turn. My turn is now. My friends are my cradle, and our laughter is my medecine. We laughed so hard last night that it made me feel better than I have in a really long time.

Cheers to the crazies! Also a special thank you to Mike, the parking attendant dude. I got home safe, no worries.

No SUSHI???

Diagnosed.

The next year of my life was literally documented. Chemo week. Non-Chemo week. Chemo week. Non-Chemo week. What not to eat, what to eat, what to drink. OMG, too much control. Doctor," Lisa, you need to refrain from eating foods with high-bacteria content because your body will not be able to fight them off." Ok? No bree, no blue cheese, no eggs sunny-side up, no sushi. EXCUSE ME? No sushi. I cried. Laugh it up people, I cried over sushi.

Well now that treatment is over....Tonight I am having sushi for the first time in 8 months. I am going to cry for sure. Next week, eggs benedict with asparagus and ham and I already ate a 1/2 wheel of bree. lol...I'm like the fat kid in a candy store at this point.

8:30 reservations, I am going to rock that shit like a biatch!

Trying to learn the life-long lesson...

I think I totally screwed myself over. God must be disappointed..lol.. I started analyzing the person I was before I got sick in comparison to the person I am now, I haven't changed. Wasn't I suppose to learn something? I was trying to see if perhaps there may have been a difference in character..nothing, I am still stubborn as hell...I am still ambitious, I am still loud mouth and crass. I had set out my goals and sick or no-sick, I acheieved them. My doctor says its because I don't accept the situation I am in. He's right!

My grandmother told me this saying, and when translated from Italian to English is, God does not put more snow on a mountain that can't handle it...lol...Nonna is cute but C'MON!!! I haven't accepted my situation from the beginning. I wasn't given a choice. I had to fight it. I made it! I was cleared at 90% at treatment 6. Next week I better get some good news.

So here I am in August-07 being told that I have a mass on my lungs and that I should come back in 3 weeks. "You don't tell me to come back in 3 weeks, wtf is it?" I knew right away. For some reason my life has a wonderful track record of mishaps and misfortune, but you need to look at the bright side, right? Hospitalized that same day, they almost had to call security on me for how livid I was. You see I am not a big cryer and I was raised to be tough and not to take shit. I lost it on 2 nurses working at urgence. I was in shock.

My thought process was chill out because if you freak, THEY will freak. They being my family. So I got to play with the hospital bed. Put on a couple of shows for the nurses on the 6th floor. Got 2 cool scars. 1 across my throat, but I tell people I got mugged with that one. and the other one right over my left breast. I love scars, they rock solid!

So...ok...what did I learn? That my mountain now looks like the iceberg that potentially sunk the Titanic. lol...I learned that when you are confronted with the unexpected you literally have to bend over and take it, but I figure if you are going to take it might as well find a way to enjoy it...This experience has been interesting.

This is what I learned: I am truly stronger than I thought I was! yay! I think we all are...

Hello my name is Lisa, it's nice to meet you.

So I started this blog. I have no idea what I am doing but I guess it is just about writing something that could potentially inspire someone else...hopefully but highly unlikely..lol. Last year I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Hodgkins Lymphoma. I cried. I laughed. I wanted to wake up. It was really happening. This fucking sucks ass!!! I had no idea what awaited me and I think that was the problem, the not knowing.

I am so in control of everything that I had to stop and then be controlled by something that was beyond me. WTF!!! Ok, so here were my options...

a. Live happily and take over this disease by my rules.
b. Wallow in self pity .

I opted for letter A. I cut 2ft of hair off and sport a shaved head with class and finesse..lol..I finished my 12 chemo treatments and am now waiting to start radiation. Life is getting back to where its suppose to be. I look in the mirror and think, not too shabby you survived another week of this crap. I am suppose to be getting my results next week. Waiting sucks but I have to think that it should all be over soon.

My dad said that I should have started a diary when all of this happened, and I told him he was nuts. I did not want to reflect on pages of memories allowing me to relive those moments. In the end, here I am writing to whoever is reading this, assuming you are interested in the experience of one girl, about lymphoma cancer.

This was a pic of me 2 months before I was diagnosed.