INCOGNITO - sorry!!!

So I haven't been on in a while. Needed to stay away from it just a little. I think I had reached a climax and dropped to the floor...lol....I got tired of seeing purple. I got tired of comments. I didn't want to look at bracelets, keychains, donation forms or any of that...I just realized that organizing this event consumed my life for the past 3 months. It sounds dumb but sometimes I wonder what convinces me to do these things. Its tiresome. Stressful.

Last weekend I went to a sale with my friend Nadia. We were waiting in line. It seemed like forever because it was so hot outside. While waiting in line, Nadia was on the phone and I looked across from me...It was Jenessa...well a little girl who looked exactly like her. I mean exactly. It really freaked me out. She was playing a "patty-cake" type game with her sister, singing her little song and I couldn't help but smile. She turned around and saw me staring. She winked at me and blushed. I wanted to cry. Then all my stress, my effort, my fighting became justified by the glance of one little girl.

I am at a good place right now. My hair is growing back. I am becoming more active. I have been running around in preparations for my move to Boston, which is totally the fire in my belly nowadays. I am behind with paperwork. I don't have a VISA, I don't have an apartment, I don't have anything besides an acceptance letter, and I just realized that that is ok. The past year has taught me one thing, shit will happen whether you want it to or not, but everything will always work out for the better.

I have a great life. I have exceptionally great friends. Everyone is already reserving weekend stays, which I think is amazing and as well as a great comfort to my parents. People still don't believe me when I say I had cancer. I think sometimes I don't believe it myself. Some relatives are still in denial that the past year happened. It hit me last week,though, when my family and I were driving home from Boston. I didn't stop, not even for one minute. I completed everything I said I would. When people said stop, I said go. I am completely and utterly sick in the head. Why? If I stop that means time ran out. The clock stopped ticking.

I need to cry and it hasn't come out yet. I need everything to be peaceful for just 30 minutes. Maybe I should go get a massage. Something about a total stranger touching you with hot rocks...lol...ah wells...a massage it is!!!

500 people, $20,000.00 later.....

My event was this past weekend. Surviving on 2hrs of sleep, swollen feet, 5 vodka 7's and absolutely no food consumption, I made it!...lol...I have come to the realization that no matter how much good one person might do, it will never be good enough.

The hall filled up. The line-up was intense. I greeted all my guests at the door. Each table with purple napkins and balloons. It truly looked like a gala event. I spoke, the director spoke and then Momma Polito delivered her speech, leaving everyone in tears. My acts all co-ordinated, one better than the other. Over 100 prizes to raffle. A sweet table in abundance, and yet some people complained there was not enough food. You really have to love Italians and their mentality. It is unfortunate that our eyes are bigger than our stomachs. People held through till 9:30pm...they stayed 9hrs!!! I was overwhelmed with the positive responses and how many guests thought it to be a fantastical event. I tried my best.

My committee came together in many ways. My mother and Rosanna slicing up a storm, preparing platters for the evening. If it wasn't for them, let me tell you, alot of stuff would not have been ready. Friends and family working together, preparing the tables. My sister cut her hand slicing bread. It can go on and on. Everyone helped out.

My amazing co-workers who all showed up with purple flowers in their hair. Here I am thinking they were tryng to stand out as the fantastical individuals that they are and yet they were representing me as the teenage girl they met many years ago as a trainee at the hospital. They delievered a speech which brought me to tears and presented me with a letter of recognition from our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. Umm...that freaked me out. Not many people can make me cry so they accomplished a huge lot. Santina Mormina's perserverance will never stop amazing me. She should have been born under Taurus instead of the sensitive Pisces that she is. I will say it all the time...The telephonists at SC are the prettiest girls around, and with the best attitudes...don't catch them on a bad day, but they are absolutely wonderful. Between them and their families...I am truly blessed.

500 people attended. $20,000.00 was raised. WIGGED OUT IN PURPLE is the 2nd group in the whole province of Quebec to raise money for the Lymphoma Foundation and we set a record for raising the most money. That is an accomplishment in itself. I am just happy that people enjoyed themselves and that I can safely say that 90% of guests are looking forward to annual events. My objective was to raise awareness of this cancer for it is becoming more common.

I really want to thank everyone for their support. I feel that I can never truly say that enough because Tavola Grande really demonstrated how much I am loved by many and how many people would stand behind me because of the trust they have in me and my efforts. That means the world to me because that was the reason behind all of this. To have people trust that what I am doing is for a greater good and that they would not think twice about another event to come.

I am taking the week off from this event because let me tell you seating 500 people is a task in itself....lol. Next week we start on the 2nd event, which will be more of a party and held in August. Thank you all again. My efforts are not great without your support, but because of your acknowledgement I stand on cloud 9.

Thank you!!!

Tavola Grande - My Speech!!!

For those who were not able to attend the event,
here is my speech which I delievered:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for coming today. This event is very dear to me for we are raising funds for the Lymphoma Foundation Canada. My name is Elisabetta Polito and I am the fundraising director of the WIGGED OUT IN PURPLE Committee.

Last August, at the age of 27, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. I continued living my life, when I was told I should stop. Stopping was not an option and I felt that I needed to do something in order to give back. This is when WIGGED OUT IN PURPLE became a committee. It is about NO Wigs. Just purple. Helping to fight Lymphoma Cancer.

I had a cough, which had persisted for 2 months and I went into work one day. I was hospitalized at the end of my shift. Everything had happened so quickly and my life literally changed in the matter of a day. I did not know what to do, nor did I know how to feel. I had to tell my parents that the doctors think I have cancer. When confronted in a situation such as this, moments in time, memories from the past flash, in front of you and you stop and wonder, “How will I be remembered? On that day my family glued itself together and became the foundation on which I stand. They became my strength, and my heart. My family and friends became my supporters. They became a shoulder to cry on, and the arms that held me tight when I felt I was in despair.

Between countless treatments, hardships, and continuous strain, I had to become strong in order to fight this disease. You stop to realize that life holds a deeper meaning and that you need to deal with the cards that have been dealt to you. A friend of mine asked me the other day what my philosophy was. I am my own worst enemy as I am my own best friend. I will not be defeated by own weakness but will push against with my own strengths. It just was not time to bury Lisa Polito.

Today is a celebration between my family, my friends, and my many supporters, to say that I have won the fight against cancer and that I am living proof that things do get better. Tavola Grande is just the stepping-stone. I am a daughter, a grandchild, a sister, a niece, a cousin and a friend. I am not a celebrity, I am the girl next door who was diagnosed with cancer and now I am the face you will associate with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It is with this fundraising event and with your support that we can give back to the Lymphoma Foundation Canada and help fund research for this cancer. People are still not aware of the seriousness of this disease but today 500 more people have become more informed.

I would like to embrace this moment by sitting around la tavola grande, and sharing this meal with you all. I would like to thank Angele Menard for her continuous encouragement, my fundraising committee for countless hours of planning and organization, and my family for their undying love and to all of you for attending today.

Today I stand before you cancer-free. I await a clean bill of health and all I can say is that no matter who you are, no matter what life has planned for you, become your own motivation and stand strong in knowing that when you look in the mirror at the end of the day, you can smile and say that I did it!

Counting it down!

Tavola Grande is just around the corner. My basement looks like it was hit by a purple tornado leaving behind the trails of wrapping paper, raffle tickets, prizes and a bunch of other stuff. It is moments like this where I highly doubt my parents will miss the chaos I bring in our home. Boston - 2 1/2 months to go...lol

200 ballons, 500 flyers, 600 event prgrams, 700 awareness ribbons...if anyone has anything to say I think I might just lose it. Jeeze Louise. Already comments are flying and honestly speaking I am doing the best I can. Working on this fundraiser made me feel like I was getting back to myself. Back to running around, being busy and not really having time to do much else because work needs to get done. It feels good. I miss my old self alot. So far we are 500 people. Not too shabby for a first-time event. Ironically I have absolutely no enthusiasm for it and I guess it is just my defense mechanism gong into drive so I won't be set up for any disappointments. Realistic Lisa sets in.

Anyone who is suppose to be there is coming. That is more than enough for me. Obviously my objective was to raise funds but above all it is to celebrate the hardships of the past, the stability of the present and the commencement of an upcoming and wonderful new life. Tavola Grande is an accumulation of my friends and family who have supported me in the past year. This is what the event is about. Even if I gave the foundation 20 bucks, it really is a day about being surrounded by goodness. Sometimes we lose perspective on that and play the bitter card. I am grateful because I think that if I did not have this goodness around me, maybe I would have opted for bitterness. I wouldn't have allowed it, though, and obviously neither did any of my family and friends.

I truly believe life is about taking what has been thrown at you, absorbing it by all angles and see the good that can come out of it. As much as cancer is a horrible sickness, it brought me closer to my friends and truly brought out the love of my family. With that said, nonna bought a purple sweater. That is when you know you are truly loved. She would look like an eggplant just for me!!! So being that my birthday was yesterday, I would like to cheers with all of you and thank you for just being yourselves - fantastical additions to my life!

Remission starts, 28, & The Little Mermaid!

Writing every other day has become somewhat difficult with the event approaching, but here we go. Happy Birthday to me!!! I am 28. Cancer-free and ready to party. I don't have to wake up early anymore for doctor appointments, but here I am at my computer at 6:16 am..lol...First day after my last radiation and I can'teven sleep in. Jeeze louise.

Yesterday was an emotional day. Last day of radiation. For the last time, they were going to put that mask on my face and beneath the tight plastic pressing against me, I shed my tears. Before leaving my house, I had tried calling MIX 96 to request a song. It really feels like it's pulling teeth. I also tried on my last chemo treatment. Anywho, this time I finally got through and requested "What a feeling". I don't think he believed me. MIX96 is starting to suck arse!!! I never call in for these cheesy games and stuff and the first time I really wanted something...bah....it's like that, right?

As they removed the mask from my face, I asked them if I could keep it. They knew I wanted it. I took it and I am going to get in mounted. If Duchamp could have done it with a urinal, why can't I?...lol I freaked my sister out when I put in on and ran around the house with it. lol...Seriously my life is great! I had left the Radio-oncology, say good-bye to the other regulars, and for some reason the day of my diagnosis came into my mind.

I was wearing a yellow top, blue jeans, always fantastically accessorized and I fell into daddy's arms and screamed for the first time. Yesterday, I was literally was in my pj's, and when daddy came home I fell into his arms for he sent me a dozen white roses. I feel like I don't look the same. I feel now that I have changed, a little. I look at pictures of myself from last year and feel I don't recognize that person anymore. boh!

As much as I am saddened by my situation, I am happy and blessed by everyone's support and I could not have done it without my family and friends. Maybe I should put that in my speech for Sunday...lol...Dang! I have to write a speech.

Tonight, all my family is coming over. My Little Mermaid cake has been ordered and every year that is all I request. Many question how mature I really am, but Ariel is all I got. On my 28th birthday I start a new page, the new side of my life, my remission. All the treatments are over. I don't need to go to the hospital everyday. I don't need meds, masks or anything.

This summer is my summer and let me tell you, the next 3 months look fantastically interesting.

Just found out....Wednesday May 21st

I went in on Friday for my treatment to find out that in reality I only have 2 treatments left. I was told that I was going to have 21 sessions but instead I am having 18. My smile rose from ear to ear. I was so happy and excited for the first time in a very long time that the other patients looked at me like I was a freak. I didn't care. Deep down inside they were happy for me, I know it! So this means I finish everything on Wednesday, May 21st. By my birthday, the event, I will be offically over with treatments, officially cancer-free. Free from all this procedure and medecine. Free from pain and on to a new beginning with my life.

I am looking forward to start new. To try and make things better. To view the world through different, perhaps more objective eyes. It feels like you have reached the peak of a mountain. The struggle of getting up there. The pain and sweat. Once you reach it, all you want to do it slide down and feel the adrenaline rush of a fresh, exhilirating experience. Cancer was my mountain. Fighting it became my rush. I didn't stop even though I will shortly pay the price for it...lol...its all good. I did my best.

Music is everything for me. My drug of preference if you will. Whether it is listening to "Enter Sandman", Metallica, for a good rock song, Bette Midler, "In my life" for a good cry but one song became my mojo music which I would play over and over. I remember listening to it in the car the first time the Concordia Design Program rejected me, and it became the fire under my arse to pursue everything I ever wanted. Listen to "What a feeling" Irene Cara. Some of you will get it, some of you will think it is cheesy. I think it's great.

2 more and I am done..."What a feeling".....

6 more to go

If my calculations were right, I would have been finishing radiation next Friday. Just in time for the event and just shy of my 28th birthday. Do you think I remembered that Monday is Victoria Day...so everything is pushed over to the following week. Jeeze louise...just my luck! It's okay, right? What is another day? #*&^@&#+!!!!!! lol

The event is coming along. I am nervous. Getting to this point, though, has really been an interesting experience. You get to see the true characters of individuals. Claudia, Sabrina and I set up an info booth on Wednesday. Clearly the parents of these children were not interested in buying WIGGED OUT merchandise, but thats ok. Be cautious the next time you buy a box of chocolates when a cute little face rings at your door...lol...where is this money going? I am a sucker, I would probably still buy a box.

Then there are those who have really been touched by Lymphoma. I met one women yesterday whose husband died from it 4 years ago and he was 42. She donated money with no question. Then someone else who was actually a Lymphoma survivor could not care less of the fundraising efforts for the cause. Life is strange sometimes. Bitterness can really take control on someone's frame a mind and its a real shame.

I spoke to a doctor and he has been diagnosing at least one patient a week. It is becoming so coming yet not receiving much recognition. No one knows what purple is. Who can blame them though? It hurts when you try your best to promote information and all someone has to say is how purple is a really "gay color". I become livid with how ignorant people are. Sabrina thinks I put hexes on people when I say that everyone gets their turn. lol...But it's true. It's all about taking some preventative measures and becoming educated about an unknown. The only people who know a lot about cancer are those who buried a loved one or survived from it. Really sad.

Cancer is becoming NORMAL when the disease itself is about abnormal cells that form. It's not OKAY. People tell me,"Lisa, your are lucky because out of all the cancers, it is the best one to have." Like I just made a deal at the Mercato...Are you kidding me? It's the best one to have because of my age, my health and the fact that I could fight it, but if I was 40 yrs old, my chances would have dropped big time. No Cancer is the best one to have. I still did chemo. I still lost my hair. I still went through the same process. I hope people just learn.

May 26th is the day in question. Hopefully we will be able to stick to the schedule. I am tired of waking up at 6:30..lol...as well!

17 years ago....Chee-cha Birthday!

I was always made fun of because I was a girl with some chee-cha. It didn't help my popularity that I had a unibrow either. lol...One day, though, chee-cha saved my life!

On May 12th, 1991, Mother's day, my family and I went to Beni Hani for lunch. We came home and while waiting for my mother to get ready, I wanted to ride my bike. A perfect BLUE ANGEL with a cream color banana seat. My dad had just bought a helmet for me the week before, but it's not like I was going away from my street. I was only allowed to ride my bike on the sidewalk and cross the street to get to the other side.

I had stopped at the corner. I heard a car, but it sounded like it was far away. I decided to cross. All I remember is opening my eyes and I was on the floor in a teddy-bear position. I was missing a shoe. Blood trickling down my face. I screamed in french, "où est ma mère!" I didn't know what was going on. A neighbor ran to me, helping me until the ambulance came. Other people ran and just watched me on the floor. I remember the 17 yr old boy getting out of his car and crying because his father was going to kill him. He was speeding. My parents ran to me. My mom with no shoes and my father ready to beat the boy who just hurt his baby. That nice man held my scalp into place because the impact cut my scalp right open. WEAR YOU HELMET!

I was rushed to the hospital. I remember a baby boy being brought into the next room. They had to tend to him before me because he was very sick, but I didn't care. They finally came to me, stitched me up and brought me to the pediatric ward. I couldn't sleep. My poor parents had gone through such an ordeal and they stayed over night. After midnight they brought in a crib and it was the little baby boy, sound asleep. He was okay. I stayed with him the whole night. I held his little fingers through the bars of the crib. We both got a second chance.

Every year, on this day, I celebrate it like it was a birthday. My parents think its silly because for them it is really remembering a day they wish to forget. On that day, something happened and the fact that I only came out with 50 sticjes later and a 6in scar didn't matter. I totally think scars are cool and they tell stories. When I came home the day after, my garage door was covered in get well cards from my friends at LDV elementary school. These are things I will remember.

I never thanked that man who helped me that day until 2006 when I found him and thanked him in person. We have so much in common and we touch base from time to time. I wonder how that little boy is. He is 17 now. I dont know his name, but I am sure he is a heartbreaker. He is probably preparing for his prom. Probably buying his first pack of condoms...lol...probably driving his parents crazy, but as long as he is fine.

Hospitals are meant to be institutions, structured for our health and safety, yet I do not know anyone who can recount a postive story. Maisonneuve Hospital saved my life in 1991, and did so again in 2007-08. How many girls you know can say all that and not have reached 30?...lol...so today is my Chee-cha birthday! Doctors said that if it wasn't for my chee-cha (chubby layers, pinch an inch, that kind of thing..lol), I would have been dead. So eat a steak it won't hurt, maybe have an extra cupcake..lol..you never know when chee-cha might save you...lol.....

My Mommy! Happy Momma Day!

I would first like to extend a great big hug to all the mommies of the world. To know that the love and affection you give, and forehead kisses bestowed on your children are fantastical and well appreciated.

I was born on the same day as my mommy, or as I call her Momma Polito. So depending on her mood it could be a good or bad thing. lol...I remember my mother telling me when I was a child, that she never had a doll for her parents could not afford one for her, but when I was born I was her doll to play with forever. She dressed me up in frills and lace, with ribbons in my hair and yet many photographs from my childhood show this lady-like image and the tomboy in me with blackened knees. I was a class act.

I remember baking with my mother and putting colorful sprinkles on freshly baked goodies. I remember her being soft spoken and gentle, classy with a pair of black pumps and 80's red lipstick. I remember Saturday mornings, waking up early because it was cleaning day and dancing to music. My mother always treated me and Vicki like we were her best friends and as we have gotten older we can talk to her about anything. My mother NEVER denied me a birthday party with friends and while most kids had it at Mc Donalds, my mother would organize a grand feast in our home, baking Italian treats from the night before. How many kids you know had that?

We all have issues with our mothers to a certain degree. Fix your hair. Why are you wearing that? Remove that studded belt. Smile, that boy is looking at you. The only place you'll find a nice boy is at the library or church. Why are you dying your hair pink and purple? I know the perfect Calabrese boy for you! You drive like a maniac. Why are you so tough? lol...and it goes on and on and on...but even though she would comment she let me live. She supported my decision to attend art school. She is supporting my decision to move to Boston, even though it is killing her inside. She NEVER denied me anything. I also did not involve her much in my personal life. As close as I am with my mother, and trust me when I say that I tell her alot, I do need to keep 5% to myself...lol

Last year when I went into work on that Wednesday and checked myself into the emerge, I had to call my mother to come and be with me. When I called her she knew something was up because for the past 10 years I always went alone for hospital visits. I was in the changing room in the Radiology department and I said, "Mom, they think I have cancer." She fell into my arms, completely in despair. I didn't know what to do. My mother is MY baby, and seeing her like that took a piece of me. I couldn't show her that I was phased. "Mom, no worries, everything is going to be fine!" I was scared. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. All I could imagine at that moment was my mother accepting condolences in her black dress, crying over my coffin. I wasn't ready to let her go. You really tend to think the worst when the LIFE and DEATH buttons are flashing in front of you. Which one will you choose? Which one will choose you?

When I was diagnosed last year, my mother was a full time student at the JKF Business School. She dropped out to take care of me. To come to all my treatments and hospital visits. To sit next to me when I had to inject myself. To wait 4 hrs by herself while I was sedated during chemo. To hold my head when food refused to remain still. To bathe me because I couldn't move and inch. I get upset with her sometimes because I wanted her to stay in school. It made her happy. One day she said, "You should never worry about me because I would take away your cancer if I could." Talk about a tear jerker, right?

Doctors said I might not be able to have children because of the chemo. It's ok, whatever happens, happens. There are many children to adopt. To be honest, though. I always hoped to have a little girl with red hair. I dreamt the other night of this little girl sitting on my lap. She was absolutely stunning with long red hair and hazel eyes. I asked her, "Well gorgeous, now who do you belong to?" She replied, "YOU, silly." I was never into dolls growing up. I had three Barbies and ripped off their heads, but that dream made me want that little doll of my own. I understand what my mother means. I understand her teachings and I see myself in her eyes. I only wish that when that day comes, I will be half of her greatness, because in her strength through it all, demonstrates the unconditonal love a mother has toward her child.

Even though back in the day she would throw a tupperware or two at my head, she has left me in the awe of her presence because Momma Polito rocks my world and she is the very foundation I dance on! I love you momma, even though you are a pimple on my arse...LMAO!!! (She gets it!)

R.I.P.

Radiation. 10 down, 11 to go. It's starting to act up. It's hard to eat and drink and I feel like I am sucking everything through a straw. They prescribed me a sirop which is suppose to numb the pain, but instead it numbs my mouth and tongue. I feel like i'll start drooling on myself. Life is so ironic sometimes. The radiaton therapists tell me that it is good that I am in pain because that means it's working...lol...jeeze louise...messed up logic but it makes sense right? 2 more weeks and I am done! By my 28th birthday I would have completed all my treatments and be on a successful road to remission. Please.

Tonight I went to nonna's and watched Ciao Montreal with her because my interview was being shown. She cried when she heard my name on television but got upset because I hadn't spoken in Italian. lol...I have come to the realization that I will never make anyone happy...lol...jeeze louise NONNA!! You saw it in my grandparents eyes that they were proud even though they didn't understand a word I was saying. My grandmother looked up at the ceiling with tears in her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest and thanked God for me. She finds strength in her beliefs. I find strength in mine.

I find a lot of people find it necessary to dictate to me how I should do things or how I should live my life. I have lived mine the only way I know how. I know why it is I do the things I do. I know why I push myself so hard. I don't feel the need to justify to people, especially when they look at me with such confusion. All I know is that coming out of this ordeal and being able to tell a story should be enough of an initiative to want to do something. Organizing my event has really shown me alot. The good and bad or maybe what I consider good and bad. It is sad to say but I find some people don't take my situation seriously because I am not dying. This is an unfortunate reality. We only feel for a cause when we are given statistics of body counts. That sucks arse. I am alive. My children will bury me and that is how its going to be. It is as though I need to show proof to people. Like 2ft of hair and frozen eggs at the Royal Vic aren't enough for a melancholy occassion. Continuous treatment, medication, injections and restless nights.

I don't want to complain about my situation because I was dealt a hand and I have played the game all too well. I have come out of it with amazing results. Although, I am saddened by the ignorance of many, I am blessed by the support of many more. All of you who read the words on this page, you bring a greater meaning to my life with your support and countless emails. I know that my event and all I am doing is found in the strength you give to me. NO ONE will get me down and especially not this sickness. I go to bed knowing that I am doing this for all the "Cancer Warriors", and that the R.I.P. attached to my name will be Rocking It Polito-style!

I will be 88, living off my husband's pension, with 5 children and 20 grandchildren...idealistically that is when I will go...lol...take that!!!

Magical Lines and Jenessa Boey Byers!

I haven't been able to write. I haven't felt up to it. This week took quite the toll on my body. Ahh well....It's like i'm stoned, but without the meds...I always get the short end of the stick...lol..I have gone every morning, prompt at 7:30, for my sessions...6 down, 15 to go! They re-draw on me everyday. I hear them mumbling measurements to themselves. Here I am thinking to myself that these lines they constinuously draw on my chest were magical radiation lines. Lines that held a special ink that captured the radiation to kill the leftover junk and speed up my recovery. Ummm...nope. Those measurements they mumble...yeah...its to make sure I am in place, to the millimeter, each day. So these lines are to help them so they don't screw up and nuke another part of my body....lol...fantastical and interesting. Don't I feel like a dumbarse. It's ok, I am able to admit when my hamster collapses and trips into another realm of dumbness. lol...it's all good.

I have been sleeping alot. I am not sure if it is just my body trying to make up for the past couple of months. Fatigue is a major side effect from the radiation. All I think to myself is that it is almost over. I can't wait. But I do worry alot about where I am headed. The other night I watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. They built a house for a little girl, Boey Byers, who had a rare form of childhood cancer. She relapsed and got it a second time. Boey is a major inspiration to me. At 8 years old, she tried her best to fight it and still gave back to other afflicted children by giving them stuffed animals, so they can SMILE. Here I am watching this show, in tears, thinking how fantastical this little girl is. Her eyes lit up when they moved that bus and she got to see her dream home. That was a pure innocent, moment of happiness. I think the last time I felt that way I was 5. The show ended and you think, "Wow, this girl is a fighter." She fought til her death because they later made a dedication to her for she lost her battle with cancer last December. I died for a moment. I cried in complete hysteria.

I am really not trying to portray a manic depressive nature here...lol...I find I have become alot more emotional which bothers me a great deal. Obviously putting myself out there through this blog, doesn't help. The irony is I do have a difficult time showing emotions to people. I guess it depends with who and yet here I am, wearing my heart on my sleeve, but I can't see you. I don't know who you are. This show on Boey hit me hard. I would have given it up for her and other children. Alot of people say its unfortunate when someone my age is diagnosed with cancer. But she didn't even get a chance. She didn't go through puberity. Have her first kiss. Get a prom dress. What she did do, though, was change the lives of many. She touched the hearts of people everywhere. I am lucky to have "met" her even though it was just through a television episode. I will surely never forget this young girl who is known as a "Cancer Warrior."

http://www.gazettetimes.com/articles/2007/12/29/news/top_story/2aaa01_boey.txt

http://www.jenessabyers.com/index.php

Cancer is like wearing white socks with dress shoes

Today I spoke in front of 500 people who attended the English mass, here in my parish church. I was nervous, actually sweating. I was told to deliver a 2 minute speech and did the best I could. I rose to the podium and I felt my voice cracking. I was scared I was going to cry in front of all these strangers. "Lisa, try to compose yourself."

Short but sweat, I spoke about Wigged Out In Purple and TAVOLA GRANDE. I spoke about how I was diagnosed and how they should hit the site for more info. I walked back to my seat as the sound of applause follwed me. The clapping made me feel wierd. When the mass was over I was confronted by people with heartfelt support and hugs. One woman commended me on my fundraising campaign and told me that she had 2 people in her family who had died from Lymphoma Cancer. I had to hug her for she had tears in her eyes. As the crowd broke away, I saw a friend of mine who I had not seen in months, and broke down in her arms. I was happy to see her.

I wake up everyday. I grab my coffee. Check my agenda. I answer my emails. I contact sponsors. This campaign has become my job. I think of something for the blog. Some people think my blog is sad. Some find it entertaining. I am not here to make people cry nor am I here to make people happy. "It is just a day in the life of", says my friend Rosa. I write about my feelings and my thoughts in hopes that, I too, will get something from my own writings after reading it, over and over. I am learning everything about Lymphoma cancer as I go along. For some this hits close to home. For others its a way of seeing into the life of someone who was diagnosed with an illness.

I get alot of emails from people with their cancer stories. Not only about Lymphoma, but about other cancers and how they relate. Cancer is too common now. Its like wearing white socks with dress shoes - It's still going on, will it ever STOP? Children, adults, the elderly. Everyone has a story and all of our stories are similar. Some have a happy ending. Some don't. I am not trying to find a cure. I am only one person, but people do need to be informed and get checked. I think this is a learning process for all of us. I am lucky because I can now wear dark socks, but I don't ever want to see white ones again!

I am not a comedian - I just dance through life!

We all complain about our lives. It is in our nature. I have always bitched and complained about my family. I am allowed. They have made me who I am today. I make jokes all the time. Whether it's about my grandparents who can't hear me because they forgot to turn on their hearing-aids. Nonno freaking out because he just walked into the patio door after nonna just cleaned it with the Windex. My mother who never sits down at a family gathering because she is just constantly cooking up a storm. My father and my uncles arguing over a good espresso and which coffee blend to buy. Really, who has the best Saeco machine is still a wonder! My cousins with their stories of highschool living which makes me realize how old I am. My aunts, sister and I just sit back and watch it all. My family is composed of many interesting characters.

We have always been a very tight family unit. We know what is going on in eachother's lives. "Everybody Loves Raymond" doesn't have anything on us! lol...When I got sick last August, I saw fear in everyone. Cancer had hit close to home. I wasn't just a paesano, 3rd cousin, twice-removed, related to the neighbor 2 blocks away from the church. I was blood. I was sick. They were scared.

I always knew my family was special...lol...but being sick made me realize that no matter the trials and tribulations, they have my back. It was like, touch Lisa and you would have a posse at your door...lol...No matter how crazy I was growing up, my family accepted me before friends, before strangers, before themselves. Family = selfless love. When they heard the news, never mind getting a second opinion, they wanted a panel of doctors to look over my file because they were convinced a mistake had been made. Then you wonder where I get my stubborness from. Call it being Calabrese. I say it's just being a Polito.

We have become much closer since that day in August, if you can possibly imagine that. As much as I tried to stay strong for them, they became my saftey net when I decided to fall. Hugs have become the standard handshake. A kiss on the cheek has become a way of saying "I love you". I am truly blessed to have them on my side.

My nonna with her belief that her prayers to Santo Rocco cured me. My nonno and his new phone with the big buttons because he can't see very well. My parents who still ask me where I am going and who I am going out with. My cousins who still call me "lisa booga booga". My aunt and I who are truly against pisswater coffee and my uncles who still think coffee is an art...they are so right! (We take coffee very seriously in my family.) My sister and I, who are completely different, bipolar spectrums if you will. We still tell her she is the milkman's baby but it can't be because she totally looks my dad. They are all the pillars on which I stand. I could have as many friends as I want in my life, and as much I am grateful to my friends, my family will be there for life. This is reality. This is life.

My family unit glued together, we became tighter. Family will make you cry but it's because they love you. That is what my nonna tells me constantly. So when she says I look fat in that dress after offering me that extra meatball, she is saying it with love. I could write a whole sitcom based on what I go through with my family. Holidays, birthdays, sickness and health. They still ring at my door, we sit down, we eat, we talk, we drink amazing coffee.

They make me laugh. I am allowed to make jokes. Anyone else does and they will have me to answer to. People think I am funny. They make me funny. I am not a comedian, they just help me dance through life!

Emerging from the shadows - DANG, I am still chubby!!!...lol

Photo albums hold pictures of moments in time. They are meant for you to remember things of the past. You have little keepsakes that remind you of smells, laughs, experiences. I have a red spoon from my first time at Dairy Queen. Rocks I stole from the faux-plant at The Madarin. Those yellow balls from the playroom at Burger King. Please note this was in my teen years!...lol

I never considered myself a popular girl. I was quiet...lol...yup! I always felt I lived in the shadows of my ever popular, beautiful friends. I was Ok with that. Then again it was how I felt at the time. I was always surrounded by good people. We were, what I thought, a power clique. Man, we were invincible. The truth is we were.

I have made friends throughout the years, lost just as many, and thats cool. Its just another lesson that life has to offer. Being sick really makes you realize the roles people play in your life. Unfortunately it is in these times you see the sincerity of some and the "Man I should really be nice to her or I am going to hell" attitude of others. TARDS, I am not stupid!!!

My friends have really come through. It means alot because I could not have done this alone. I remember the first time I broke down with friends. The back seat of a Jeep....lol...Yeah I know stuck in the backseat with 2 girls...jeeze louise...my karma! We all cried. We had a moment. I will remember that. I remember talking to some friends in my backyard. Grass was freshly cut. My goddess-like hair was blowing in the wind. Although it was wet, the smell of freshly washed hair hitting my face is something i'll miss.

My friends stepped up to the plate. They confronted their fears within my illness. They accepted my "slight defectiveness". I think they found strength in themselves. I also think it helped that I would still go out drinking with them. It brought them back to normalcy...lol..

SO here I am, in the process of organizing this event. I am very surprised by the attention it is getting. Most of the attendees are people I don't know. Friends of friends of friends of friends. The snowball gets bigger. Strength in numbers. I think it's great! At one point I thought being sick is what made me gain all this popularity. All of a sudden people felt bad. People wanted to know what was going on in my life. I sort of hated this idea. But I have come to realize (this is the chubby girl from highschool emerging from the shadows), as much as I am who I am, the acceptance of my friends, the trust and love they have within me is what makes me feel on top of the world.

I kept the hair I cut off. I took pictures of my first shave. I took a video of my last chemo treatment. These are little things that will remind me of this trying time in my life. A picture says so much but at the same time it is just a moment of life. It is not the NOW. I have many pictures with friends, but some of those friends are no longer there. I could take forever and a day if I had to spend time writing thank you's to those who have been there for me throughout this difficult time, but this is not my grad write-up. What counts is that they know that I know and it's all good.

First day of Radiation - 20 more to go!

My appointment - 7:30 a.m. I was 3 minutes late. Always to be expected because I am never on time..lol. I have an I.D. card now, which is something like a speedpass. It tells them that I am there and my name shows up on a screen. Really creepy. I get changed. I wait. They call me in. They explain to me what is going to happen. I see my x-rays layed out. I see video surveillance screens because they won't be in the room when I am getting the radiation. So it's toxic for them but is suppose to help in my remission? As smart as I am..lol..I DO get confused...sometimes.

I see other patients. They are all alot older than I am. They look at my mother and I, and they assume that it is her who is about to go in. Then they see me dressed in my blue hospital gown and this veil of saddness just hits their face. I laugh because I am one of the most transparent individuals you will ever meet. My facial expressions speak alot louder than I do and I already pack a mean bark. So when I see the expressions of others I think to myself that maybe I should start censoring myself...lol..they looked so sad! It's like I wanted to go hug them and say,"No worries dude, shit happens!"

This week was not a great week. I have fever and started coughing. I think I am catching a cold. I guess this fluctuation in temperature is not helping. I woke up in sweats the other night and panicked. I thought it was coming back. I am so scared that I will relapse. Think positive? I am a realist by nature. At this point anything can happen. I am really trying hard to start new. It better be a cold...lol...or ill be friggin' pissed!!!

So here I am on this table. My head in my iron maiden mask. They continue to draw lines on me, which tickles, but at the same time I am thinking, "What I would kill to take a decent shower right now!!" You really think of the most stupid things. What is Maggie doing right now? I think I should call her. I wonder when I can start waxing my arms again because I feel like I am competing with Sasquatch. I have to take blood tests tomorrow. I need to meet with a sponsor this weekend. Should I go to the birthday party since I am not feeling so good. I am craving those Tangy Starburst candies.

Jeeze louise. You bombard yourself and become trapped in this daydream. 15 minutes and its over. Reality sets in. I remember why I am there. I surpassed my first radiation treatment. It is like going to bronzage...only I am not getting the tacky, orange tan. Just another step towards being cancer-free!

A thank you to the BOOGA's of the world

Vicki and I had been the only grandchildren, on my father's side, until 1990. Rocco and Maria were born. Elisa to follow in 1991, and Amanda in 1992. I felt complete and I promised myself that I would be there for them in every step of their life. They mean everything to me. I have seen them grow into the intelligent and fashionable adolescents that they are and I get emotional thinking of them. When they were younger my nickname became LISA BOOGA BOOGA, and I am still referred to as such. I have no idea where this name came from but it stuck. We became the BOOGA clan. The 6 of us would go take pictures with Santa Claus, go shopping, watch movies. I remember taking them to Mickie D's and we played in the little playground. I had to ask permission because I was over 4ft tall. I got stuck in the slide and Rocco stuck his foot in my arse to push me out. It's funny now, but jeeze louise did that hurt!

When I got sick I was worried about how they were going to take it. They never asked questions. They took the news like adults. They never showed me that my being ill affected them. I think they were in denial but they always supported my decisions and me throughout my process. They are great kids. They have inspired me and given me strength. You have to understand...my family and I are very, very close. We literally live in walking distance of one another. We are in eachothers lives constantly. I know who it is at the door by how many times they press the doorbell. lol...Maria!!!

My biggest fear was that I was never going to see them again. It sounds stupid to think that I guess, but these 4 were my life. We were the BOOGA's of the world. I did not want them to see me ill but at the same time I wanted them to understand what was happening. I would stop to ask them if they understood and they would only answer by giving me a heartfelt hug. They never cried in front of me and they never showed me how they felt. They literally pulled a Lisa.

We have become stronger, as 6, in the past year. My BOOGA's have grown. I know they worry about me. I know that they are scared. I know they love me. They have accepted me. They have allowed me to continue moving. I could not have crumbled and show them that giving in was an option. I will still be around to see them break hearts, fall in love, have families of their own and become even more fantastical as individuals.

Amanda just turned 16, Elisa 17, Rocco & Maria 18. I observe them closely. I see how they interact. I see how they treat me. BOOGA's I love you all. My life is richer because of you. I will be here for you as you have been there for me. I think we should hit that slide again, this time no ass pushing!

I did not draw lines on my own body...lol!!!

I officially start radio next week...I don't know why it has been prolonged, they told me I was going to start 2 weeks ago. The day is soon approaching where I shall experience the next step of this fantastical process called cancer.

Yesterday I had to go back to the hospital to get re-drawn. Interesting. My head is locked in so tight in a mask, and all I feel is 2 people drawing on me. Here I am giggling because you really need to envision this. They think I am freaking out in the mask...lol...The mask is so tight it sounded like I was gagged. "Relache-toi, Madame Polito." More relaxed than me, they don't get!

So far this part of the deal has been really fun. It is like I am in an art class and we are drawing and sculpting. Melissa shows me around the radio-oncology and then explains my process. Very informative. Very cool. The art department has nothing on the facilities at Maisonneuve. This time they drew the lines alot darker and there are pieces of scotch-tape all over my chest...they claim it won't let the ink run....ummm....ya...ok

This idea of not being able to use soap for my top half freaks me out. SHAQUAT...jeeze louise. The fact that I can't even have a drink while under going treatment. This is some sick joke...lol...I realize more and more that I absolutely hate rules. All I continue to tell myself is that it is almost over. God owes me big...It better be some studly mcstud while I am in Boston, let me tell you!

So I have lines across my neck, chest, sides and other places. I personally think they went a little Sharpie crazy but it's all good. Funny thing though, I have already had a handful of people ask me if I drew these lines myself. Also being that the hospital people used red and black ink...well mixed together the lines look PURPLE. My campaigning strategy is not that strong but I am happy because I realize that even had I drawn them, my friends would have accepted that as another quirky aspect of my character. I love you guys for that!!! Seriously, though, how much time do you think I have on my hands?...Dudes?

PURPLE is the new Pink!

Purple is the color of Lymphoma. Here I am, all decked out. I am pushing this color so much that I think I am going to end up looking like a freaking eggplant. Ironically it has always been one of my fave colors but I totally did not anticipate incorporting it as a standard fixture in my everyday fashion...lol...jeeze louise. PURPLE.

The May event is coming along. It coming up very soon. I worry alot about how it will turn out. It's my nature to have high expectations. Presentation is everything. I was interviewed on Tuesday for the CIAO MONTREAL Television show. I had purple everything. This is what WIGGED OUT is totally about. People need to become more aware. This is my main purpose. PURPLE.

I get alot of the,"Oh, I am really sorry to hear you were sick, but I know alot of people who had it and they live totally normal lives now." Ummm....what? This does not help me. This is not a comfort. This is the problem. Lymphoma Cancer does have a good survival rate, assuming you are strong enough to handle the cancer and that you do not have any other complications, but it is a cancer like any other. I am not sure that tagging it as the best cancer to have is a good thing because it only makes people who don't have it brush it off like a bad cold. PURPLE.

I find it easy for some people to talk. Sometimes not saying anything is a better solution. I constantly get "condolences"....lol...Dude! I am not dead...lol..I just have cancer. As a 27 year old girl being diagnosed with cancer, I was confronted with having to do things I never thought I would have to do. I overcame it. It is still a constant battle. PURPLE.

ALL I can say is that come to my event on May 25th. It is going to be great. I need bodies, get your friends, make a table, do whatever you can to come. It is all about Lymphoma, it is all about PURPLE. Help fight Lymphoma Cancer and don't brush it off. Wear PURPLE to support. Please contact me at elisabetta@wiggedoutinpurple.org for info. As well if any of you know anyone who would like to be a sponsor. Everything and anything would be a great help and totally appreciated.

PURPLE. PURPLE. PURPLE. PURPLE. PURPLE. PURPLE.

I am not a statistic - I am Lisa Polito!

Last night I volunteered with my friend Rosanna for a Lymphoma Conference held at the Hope & Cope Wellness Center. I was hoping to connect with other patients my age but everyone who did attend was over 40 yrs old. Its all good. I saw their faces. They looked like they needed answers. I could have told that someone close to them was affected by this cancer.

I sat in to hear what Dr. Olney had to say. His powerpoint presentation gave detailed information, slide after slide, and all I saw was the past 8 months of my life being clicked on. Lymphoma Cancer is either Non-Hodgkin's or Hodgkin's Disease. 85% of Lymphoma's are Non wheras mine, Hodgkin's, makes up 15%. The best cancer to have, is what my doctor told me when I was diagnosed. Like I was getting a great deal at the market.

Dr. Olney said,"We don't treat statistics, we treat individual patients." I remained. When people found out I was sick, they were throwing survival stats, at me, left and right. I didn't want to know about it. I personally didn't care that Koivu and Lemieux survived it. I was not ready to hear other people's stories. I wanted to live my experience within my own psychology and hope for the best. It was not comforting to me to know that someone else went through what I was about to go through. My friends didn't get it. In my head my foundation of support had to start within my own inner whatever. If I fell, the walls around me would have fallen.

After the conference I went to see Rosanna in the kitchen and I broke down. I saw my fears in the faces of the attendees. A wave of confusion. Rosanna consoled me by saying, "I hope you realize how proud you should be for your effort towards all this." I couldn't answer. I am totally not doing this for recognition. My place within society is not to become popular because of this cancer but solely to do something to give back. Yes, I have been dealt a better hand than most, but does someone have to die before realizing that it's time to do something about it.

A very sweet lady asked Rosanna if she had been a patient because her grand-daughter, 31, was just recently diagosed and was looking for someone to talk to within her own age group about dealing with this cancer. Rosanna pointed to me and told the lady that I would have been the person to talk to. I saw the lady's face and wanted to hug her. I saw her worries. I extended the offer to speak to her grand-daughter if she wanted someone to talk to. I told the lady that her grand-daughter needed to be ready to talk to someone. She asked me if I was on Facebook and I couldn't help but laugh. Too cute. I gave all my info and now I wait for her to contact me.

Am I being a hippocrite? Perhaps. We all have our different ways of coping. Some people do Yoga, some talk to others and some like me become enveloped in, "I am just not ready yet." I constantly confuse myself with my own justifications. I think this is where the gemini in me comes into play. I always said, when I was ready I would talk to someone, and only recently have I spoken to other patients around the world. I can not place enough importance on this feeling of being "ready". It might not make sense, but I feel you can only absorb information when you allow yourself to take it in. You might have so many questions but there are not enough answers.

I, as a Lymphoma patient can not provide comfort to others by saying everything will be fine. We all take our own personal problems differently. I can tell my story. Whoever is interested in reading it, or hearing it - great! I am still Lisa, though, cancer or no cancer. This is the only thing I can stress. Cancer does not justify you. It does not change who you are. That fire in your belly should be an incentive to tell it to F*%K OFF!!! I am here if you are ready.

I am ready. I am not a statistic - I am Lisa Polito! That is all that counts.

To Rocker Fingers

It's 5:07a.m.. I have been up for the past 54 min. Can't sleep. Story of my life. I have been reading emails that supporters graciously send me and I am really awe-struck.

My friend Patty T. sent me this quote, which as simple as it may seem at first glance, after having repeated it, makes you realize the beauty in its simplicity. It is true.

"Do all you can with what you have in the time you have in the place you are." -Nkosi Johnson

If I can do something that people will remember and want to be a part of, I feel I have accomplished my goal. I went into this saying that my fundraising goal was $10 000.00 for both events. I was happy with that incentive, and without me realizing just the one event, in May, might cultivate more than that. Fantastical. To some that might not be much, but I think it's huge.

After having another great dinner at "TOYO" on Friday (seriously guys you need to check this resto...its amazing), my friend Katy looked at my nailpolish and was like, "Li, why do you have 2 different shades on your hand?" She was referring to the fact that my index and pinky fingers were a darker shade of purple, whereas the other fingers a lighter one. I said, "Well those are my rocker fingers."

Some say that I have overcome all this in strength and with my "no bullshit attitude". I was always like that, though. It just took cancer for some people to realize it as a good quality...lol..(i.e. my parents, nonna and nonno...jeeze louise) I have always "rocked" my life, my way and I often say that I Am a rocker for life. Whatever that actually means to people...boh! But it means alot to me. I remember nights at Cafe Campus with friends, t-shirt and jeans with flip-flops, rocking to the oldies and dancing like a bunch of hippies. I remember "Sunday Bloody Sunday" coming on and those rocker fingers went up and just represented so much. Checking out bands and its just a salute to a great song, or person. A term of agreement if you will. Nay or Yay...no just ROCKER FINGERS....lol. God I am so wierd...I am starting to get it now...lol

I guess I see it as a way of thinking, a state of mind. It makes me think of many happy moments with those I have cared about throughout the years. When you fall ill, you have alot of time to think about things. Replay different scenarios...the "what ifs" of the past emerge. You are tempted to rekindle ties that were cut or perhaps cut the ties that bind. I have always believed you must stand by your convictions. I have tried. We all play the hippocrite card. I am far from perfection, but at the same time I can say that I have little or no regrets. Whether certain decisions hurt you or not, you just need to let it ride. Everything has its time and happens for a reason. Sometimes very inexplainable reasons but I am sure someone will explain it to me in the afterlife...lol. Rock it your way. Play it your way. Be happy and cherish.

"Do all you can with what you have in the time you have in the place you are." -Nkosi Johnson

Oh Patty, why are all the women in your family so smart?...lol..Great quote, thank you.

So the next time you hear a great song and it triggers a fantastical memory or even a not so great one, rocker fingers! What hasn't killed you can only make you stronger, right? Or my nonna used to say something about snow and mountains...boh!...lol

A rant without coffee...

This morning had my first appointment towards this process called "Radiation Therapy". I have been having a bad couple of days lately. Cranky as hell. Even Sweet Tarts have lost their fantastical impact on my candy cravings. That is when I know I need chill time.

Get to the radio-oncology department and I was greeted by this really cool radiation therapist, Melissa. She explained to me that today they were making a mask, which means a mold of my head. How totally cool is that? I was actually excited. She's explaining it to me...first a neck mold to hold my neck in place and then a plastic mesh over my face to lock down the position so I won't move - I was fascinated! It was like those sado-mach masks but made out of plastic. Can't move. Just enough to breathe...lol...I was loving it. The other radiation therapist must have thought I was retarded for sure.

Tomorrow I have to go in so they can start drawing the lines from my chest to my neck. This sucks. "Umm, can we draw them another day because I have a television interview tomorrow?" They replied,"Wear a scarf."...lol....They mean business....this is what I mean by karma people. Throw me a friggin' bone plz! Jeeze Louise...lol..Its selfish, I know, but hey maybe people will then take me seriously if they see me on televsion with all these drawn lines on my neck.

To be honest I think this is what has been frustrating me lately. I realize many people are not taking me seriously. I'll tell you why...I don't look sick and I don't act it. I haven't at all during this whole process. No sunk-in cheeks, no weight-loss (if anything I gained...sucks ass!), no nothing! I still party and drink it up with my friends. What? I have seen people shrug my cancer off like it was a bad cold. Are you people on drugs? You would think being ill and having to go through all this would have made me a more patient individual. Instead it has rendered me intolerable of stupidity.

I have never asked for pity. My pride won't stand for it. Anyone who knows me, knows that all too well. I just get the feeling that people expected to see me crouch into a corner and slowly die within my own self-pity. You have another thing coming to you if you think that. I can not stand the insincerity of certain individual's, and fundraising or no fundraising...their money is no good to me. The purpose of giving is something that of the heart. It needs to be given because you have been touched by a story, whether it be mine or someone else's. I can look myself in the mirror and be proud knowing that I am doing something out of the goodness of being. I know those who have supported me. Every night I feel blessed by knowing they are there. I had cancer. I fought it my way. My rules are the only rules that reign, in my life, because I know how to live my way. Accepting is the first step in knowing. I won't apologize for not looking like a "cancer" patient or milking the fact that I was one.

I need a coffee real bad...jeeze louise...Aunt Joanne, are we going to have a session???...lol

I AM A PISTACHIO!!!

So its settled. The event is scheduled for May 25th. I am a little nervous because idealistically I want a fantastical turn-out. I absolutely hope it will be a success.

I can't sleep at night. I wake up really early. Pump myself with coffee and throw myself in front of my I-Mac, researching and doing what I can for the event. I am tired and frustrated, happy and overwhelmed at the same time. It really feels like I am loosing my mind. I seem a little edgy...lol...ya think? And fantastically after this one there is another one in August....lol...I am crazy!

Perhaps being a perfectionist doesn't work in my favor sometimes. I am too visual. I envision the event looking a certain way. I want my guests to be happy. I want people to leave that day feeling good about the experience they just had. Some people consider that alot of pressure. I consider it the fire under my ass to do something great!

Thinking....I need the KARMA gods to bestow good health upon me. I am truly scared. It's like now i'll have a little cough and my parents run to me in extreme fear. I want to be me again. I miss my old skin. I went to try on a purple wig the other day and cried in the store. Why do I miss my hair so much? I just need one break. I sound like I am complaining, right? I've got my health, my sanity...well that's questionable...lol...I just want peace. I want to sleep one night and wake up to have known this was all a dream. I am not trying to make my situation a dramatic one. It would indeed be an amazing script for a play.

Reality....Every morning I wake up...this morning I had tea instead. I am writing this post now and I already scrapped it out with my sister...Things are getting back to normal again. My hair spikes up like Alfalfa, but don't worry - guys still dig it! I notice a cobweb in the corner of my window and know that it was not there the other day. It makes me realize its signification of how time passes and how we build up who we are to people. What we stand for. Who we love.

I love myself too much to be represented badly. To have let go of everything I stood for or flush away my aspirations because I was sick. NEVER! To play the victim card. NEVER! Like I tell my mom when she says, "Lisa, you are nuts!" I say,"Ma, I'm a pistachio!"

Its the nut that...
- only certain people can appreciate.
- is hard to open but once you have it, what a fantastical treat!
- has just enough of salty goodness that it makes you want it more and more.
- when you look at your fingers, you realized your pleasurable eating experience has left a mark.

I guess for those people with nut allergies, this wouldn't make sense...lol...but you can at least appreciate the visual.

Getting Back into the Knack of things...

Today for the first time I felt alot like myself. How I used to be. I often make reference to "before being slightly defective" and "afterwards". I feel right. I feel things are shaping into new forms. I am getting pumped. Maybe this is the little adrenaline I had from 5 cups of coffee..but hey! I shall take what I can get at this point.

I was working on the ticket and card designs for the event today. I really did not realize the amount of work that goes into organizing an event. Ahh well...finish what you start, right? Found out that I am going to be interviewed next week. How freaking retarded is that? lol...apparently im an inspiration....very debatable! So my biggest thing was...typically...what am I going to wear?

I started trying on all the purple clothes I had. Mixing and matching with accessories...what to wear? Jeeze louise. I put on some Janis. Played "Piece of my Heart" really loud. Put on my shades with my purple blazer and was singing off the top of my lungs. I was strutting in front of my mirror like the diva that I am. I was in my element...lol...I missed it so much and hadn't realized it. C'mon we all do it. Thank god I was wearing pants because my mom bursted through the door, yelling at me to turn the volume down and that I was a huge pain in the ass. Things are getting back to normal. Slowly, but surely! lol...life is good.

Sometimes I wonder...

I love driving. It is one of the only activities that calms me down. On nice days, roll the window down with good driving music...you really can't ask for anything more. It just puts me in a zone where my hamster is in overdrive. I am stuck in traffic, looking at the dude next to me picking his nose - very attractive, and then I stop and wonder. Who would I have been if I wasn't me? Would I react to a different love song? Would Backstreet Boys be my band of preference over Aerosmith? What if I was never sick? Who would I be? What would change? Would I be the person who I thrive on not being?

Since I can remember, people told me that I should change. I am crude, honest, and cuss like a sailor, but I am a hard worker, I am a dreamer, and I fight for things I believe in. When I was faced with cancer and those same people saw me deal with my frustrations, the pain, the hospital, the injections, the bloodtests, etc. they turned around and said, "thank god you are the way you are or else you would not have been able to deal with all of this." It scares me to think of who I could have been.

This is what having cancer did to me. It makes me think of all the angles. Like a movie playing in my head, or a series of books, I notice everything, I feel everything, I think of everything. Scenarios play themsleves before me and in some I am the lead role, who fights the battle and wins in the end! The other scenario...well I wonder...Today I am a little sad.

Whoever I could I have been...it is obvious I was not meant to be. I can't change. I won't. Like me or hate me, doesn't make a difference. In the end you have to look at yourself in the mirror. My tumor is gone. I look in the mirror and I cry everyday because no matter how strong I am it pains me to know I had to go through all this, but I did it...

I heard kids on the radio today talking about their chemo treatments and what they are going through. I cried in my car. My driving experience rendered me numb. Window down but no great music. I heard kids talking about cancer. These are great kids. If I could hug them I would. I wonder if they would hug me back. I don't know who they are yet I feel connected to them on so many levels. They are stronger than I am. It is to them I look up to. I just sometimes wonder....

www.wiggedoutinpurple.org

Our INFO page is finally up. How exciting!!! We will be updating it with more news about the events, sponsors, and as well getting the french version. If anyone reading this is on Facebook you can add yourself to my group just by searching - Lisa Polito -.

I received an email yesterday from a friend telling me how much he is loving my campaign. Well thank you love! I never saw what it is that I am doing as a campaign but I find it an interesting notion. I need to give back. This is the only way I know how. I need good KARMA to follow me. I no longer wish to be attached to a machine. I don't want to see my doctor every week, even though I love him to bits. I don't want to see my dinner being flushed. I want to live happily, even in my own misery but not by the constrictions of an unknown.

If a car didn't get me when I was 10, and cancer now at 27, I am assuming my life is meant for something more powerful and hopefully more meaningful. I can honestly say that for 27, I have lived a very rich and fulfilling life and even though one may be confronted with death, at least I would have known that my 27 were not lived in vain.

People, be happy. Life is too short. Don't sweat the small stuff. Live your life by you rules and standards. NEVER SETTLE!

My Committee

I have to say that I am quite overwhelmed. My friends have come together in ways that I never thought would be manageable or possible. 8 fantastic people who are donating their time to try and raise money for lyphoma. 8 girls from different walks of life, different characters, different opinions...sometimes you can cut the tension with a knife, but they are still doing it, and its all for me.

This post is really to thank them. Thanking them for being the supportive friends that they have been. Thanking them for putting aside other things happening in their lives to help out my cause. I realized that I can't do things alone, and for someone like me who generally does things alone, it is a big step in knowing that I have great people by my side. Thank you Vicki, Vanessa, Vanda, Rosanna, Charlene, Sabrina and Claudia! Thank you for everything!

With friends like you...who needs...hmmm I wonder...lol! I am not a religious person but I hope that for everything you guys are doing, that KARMA treats you well. Your hearts are all in the right place and that should truly be acknowledged! I love you all.

To the CRAZIES I call my committee...let's rock it the only way we know how!

The STRENGTH CARD

Like its ruling sign Leo, this is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. This card assures the Querent that they can control not only the situation, but themselves. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

http://www.aeclectic.net/basics/strength.shtml

Not going to happen! Never give in!

Since August 2007, everyone said I should put my life on hold and take care of my health. hmmm...knowing myself as well as I do, stopping school was not a reasonable option. I know, I know...health comes first, but I am a very stubborn gal and I think it would have meant that I was defeated. Not going to happen!

When treatments began, I felt I was invincible. I was still full-time at school. I needed to work hard to build a portfolio for my Masters. Everything was about the Masters. Masters. Masters. Masters. I was working on a show in the Fall semester, one which administration wanted to remove me from because they felt they were taking into consideration my health...hmmm - stubborn Lisa says, "not going to happen!" During "chemo week" I was a vegetable on my couch and during "non-chemo week" I was pulling hours in the costume shop. Insane.

Chemo was taking it's toll. I was getting tired. I was vomitting. Didn't matter where I was, the toilet became my best friend. I was losing my hair, more and more. I shaved it once the show closed. X-mas break and I crashed. I had over worked myself. As much as I was in physical pain and how I felt the repercussions of my insanity, as much as I despised my design baby, the only thing that made me feel satisfied was knowing that I had completed my work, despite people's opinions and that I had the help of my fantastical friend, Phil.

I feel that we as individuals make constant choices everyday. Whether they be good and/or bad, it is with these choices that we establish who we are and who we become. When ill, you have a choice to make. Live or give in. I have heard stories from family members of cancer patients where they claim that once giving in, that is when the cancer took over and unfortunately things turned for the worse. Thankfully, my cancer was not a terminal one, but I have seen what giving in, dying or not, does. It's not pretty.

When diagnosed, I was like oh my god! Am I going to die? I am not going to get married? I am not going to have kids? WTF? I just assumed I had time. I am 27, young, and at my prime. I had all the time in the world to build a career, eventually get married and hopefully have children. But at that moment, time seems to stop and all you are looking at is one huge black hole. Before, I was able to see 5 years ahead if me. In August, I saw nothing.

SNAP OUT OF IT! GET UP! FIGHT THIS! Not going to happen! Never give in! This is what I continued to tell myself. As much as being sick hurt me. During those days I cried by looking at myself in the mirror. Those times where I hated school and everyone there. Those times I wished I was with someone so I would not have gone through all this alone. SNAP OUT OF IT!

I wasn't alone. I had my family and my friends. I had the rest of my life to look forward to. My ambitions should not have changed because of this TUMOR in the road. My desires should not change because I want it all. The career. The house. The husband. the 2.2 children. lol...I want it all!

It's official. I will be attending Brandeis University in the fall. I received my scholarship. It hasn't hit me yet. I assume that once I make the move to Boston i'll be hit with the overwhleming feeling that everything I worked for finally paid off. At the same time, making such a huge move leaves me excited, yet sad. Does this make sense? When can I get a break from this emotinal rollercoaster? I hear Boston boys are delish...lol...

We can't predict the future. God knows I learned that the hard way, but Hey!!! If you're gonna live it! LIVE it hard!! and Rock it like it's no one's business. Never give in!

Radio, steak and sushi...oh my!!!!

Went to the doctor's yesterday. I think I literally saw him for 5 min. I wasted 2hrs for a 5 min consult...how amazing is that? Ok, so I am starting radiation alot sooner than I had expected. The nurse, who was an absolute peach, just said the treatment itself is like getting an x-ray. It lasts 2 min and you are DONE. Amazing! Chemo was literally and 8hr thing, well with the tests and all. I can deal with radio. It's almost over. I can't wait.

I have been eating sushi 3x a week. I am surprised I haven't fallen over yet. This sunday, EGGS BENEDICT! How exciting! I don't think you can appreciate food until someone tells you that you can't eat your faves anymore. It really screws you up.

During my treatment 6, there was this stunning woman sitting across from me. Her teenage daughter and husband by her side. She smelled fresh. She was new. I felt bad. You can pretty much tell who the newbies are. It's sad. The pharmacist came in explaining to her what was going to be HER process. She accepted it. Then she was told she couldn't eat certain foods. Her fave was bloody steak. She cried. My heart sank. She was like, "What do you mean I can't have it?" Like what's the big deal over her steak or my sushi? It's the sense of giving up your control over something which, in turn, controls you.

I saw her yesterday at the hospital. Hotter than ever. Sporting a shaved head likes its no one's business. She is going to have her steak soon for sure.

It's funny because when I was the newbie, I was petrified. I did not want to talk to anyone. Here were patients with their hats, wigs, and shaved heads. I did not accept my predicament. Then here comes newbie with 2ft of hair and they were probably smelling my fear and thinking to themselves, "She has no idea what is about to happen.." Man it sucks. It's like walking into a bar and everyone knows your name...NORM!!! Instead of a bar and making a dent in the stool..it's a hospital. A cubical space. An I-V bag with your name on it. Labels on all the drugs they have to give you. This is not the way I wanted people to know me. But now you know me. It's all good!

Radio-Oncology Appointment

The hospital called me yesterday for my Radiation Therapy consultation. Chemo down, radio to go. I am a bit nervous. Everything is so new and I am learning as I go. If you would have asked me last year what I forsaw in 2008, let me tell you, cancer was not in the plan.

I had everything. My hair. My identity. My success in school and work. Applying for gradschool. My social life. In one day, it was gone. Within 8hrs, it was gone. My hopes. My plans. My dreams. It was when I had my Chemotherapy consultation that I broke down into my father's arms in the parking lot. I screamed. I saw black. I didn't ask, why me? Who would have answered?

Everyone began to treat me differently. They saw me in different eyes. I was held with white gloves. No one knew what to say besides, "pray to God, he will save you!" "Have faith!" "Think positive." LOL. That would really piss me off. (maybe I do have anger issues...lol)

My biggest fault is that I over analyze things, I must admit. I play everything in my mind like a looping movie reel. I remember everything. I am in a good place now. I never demonstrated that the cancer had me. I would cry in the shower, so no one would hear me, while I saw my hair breaking apart from its roots into my hands. That was the hardest thing for me. I am good now. It's almost over. I am still a bit worried though. It's easy for people to express words of encouragement. I am grateful for them, but realistically...in one ear out the other. I blocked myself off like a boxer does before he steps out into the ring. I was in my zone.

My doctor told me that it was good that I did that because it helped ME fight my cancer. I guess we all have our different tactics. Tomorrow is another fight, another hurtle in the process of "cancer survival". I am getting tired, but never demoralized, just tired. My pride always gets the best of me because even if you have kicked me down, I'll get up. Call it the genetic make-up of the Polito's if you will...lol...

Tomorrow is radiotherapy. They will tell me about my sessions. They will draw lines on my chest where the tumor was. I will start radiation soon.

I am just the girl next door....

I am really glad that ppl are enjoying this blog. I was a bit skeptical at the beginning. Does anyone really care about what is going on in my life? Does it really make a difference? My logic was that if anyone was bored and had 5 min to kill they might take a gander. Fantastical!

I have received overwhelming response by ppl thinking that I am an inspiration or someone to be admired. To be honest, that sort of bothers me. I had a choice to make. Fight this cancer and be happy with life or wilt in misery. I did not accept that fact that I had cancer. I did not accept what was going on. I do not accept that I might not be able to have children. I DO NOT ACCEPT! This is MY life. MY RULES> MY WAY!

The irony is that this has always been my character and its only now recognized in a positive way because of the fact that I had cancer...its all good! Reality is, though, I am just the girl next door who got sick. If you didn't know me, you wouldn't acknowledge. This is how life is, until it hits close to home, most of us don't wake up. I am wide AWAKE.

I have always lived my life to the fullest. My friend and nonno died of cancer when I was 19. I saw what it did. My cancer was a blink of the eye compared to theirs. I vowed that life was about making myself happy, to be surrounded by goodness, to be remembered. I figured I would be famous and that is how ppl would know who Lisa Polito is...lol. Now i'll be remembered as the girl who survived Hodgkin's lymphoma cancer. I am not saying that it's a bad thing, but it sort of sucks.

I continued with school. I persisted for my MFA. I decided to start fundraising for the Lymphoma Foundation Canada. This is what makes me sleep at night. To know that being sick, or what I prefer to call "slightly defective" does not dictate who you are or who you become. It doesn't take over. If any of you were in my shoes, you would have done the same thing. I am just the girl next door....

Happy Bunny-Egg Day!!!

I always look for the most retarded ways of expressing a "holiday" sentiment...lol...

Today will be the first sit-down lunch I will have with my family and amazingly, will not have to run to the bathroom to vomit. How fantastical? It really is the little things that you come to appreciate when not having to do chemotherapy. Ahhh, my enemy....

Chemotherapy sucks beyond repair. Today is not a day to really get into it. I will soon. But imagine my face when after doing my 12 treatments and the doctor says, "felicitations - vous avez fini, en theorie". That is where you want to take her face and poke out her eyes...lol. Ahh, thank god I don't have any anger issues, jeeze louise! CHEMO IS OVER!!!!

On this note, I would just like to wish everyone a great, happy bunny-egg day. Cherish your lunch/dinner because when you throw up nonna's brasciola...it is way UNCOOL!!! Speak to y'all soon!

I finally cried this morning!

Ok....so.....I woke up this morning. Started listening to my ITunes. I cracked. F*&K!!! Is it normal to feel numb and yet have tears stream down your face? I am so confused. I stopped asking, why me? I had cancer. It followed me. It took over my life. Now I am going to get better and prove to those that the spirit never dies even though sometimes hope and faith may decide to take a left turn.

Last summer, before I was diagnosed, I saw WICKED in London and cried during the song "Defying Gravity". I just thought it was such a beautiful song and obviously so powerful sung on stage with those magnificent costumes and elaborate set. It was that moment when I decided that I was meant to be a Costume Designer. No matter what people thought, no matter what people said, but when I got sick I lost that hope. Bad Lisa. I am allowed to have a moment of weakness, jeeze louise!

I have looked at myself in the mirror so many times. I have seen my hair fall off. I have seen my face change, my body deform and as much I am looking at "Lisa" in that shady reflection, everyone is going to see me come back tenfold. There is something that happens to you when you get sick. People look different. You see everyone in a different light. It's like your intuition is set on HIGH. I can smell fear. It's really something else.

I thought life as I knew it was over. 8 months later, I say, watch out! I set out to make my desires a reality, even when people said I shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't. Kiss my arse is what I say! Karma with a sprinkle of pixie dust...fantastical...

All I know is that my tears are those of overwhelming happiness. I do not wish my experience bestowed upon anyone, and I have said it from the beginning, better me and not someone I care about. The irony is the although I will soon have a clean bill of health...this is not over. It will reside in the back of my mind for the rest of my days. It has taken a toll on my heart and scarred my loved ones. We are stronger for it. Let us see what tomorrow may bring.

Innocence, by Avril Lavigne - http://youtube.com/watch?v=47zTfXOFeTQ
Defying Gravity, WICKED - http://youtube.com/watch?v=J0BrlemGPJE&feature=related

Today - Results

I started off my morning by meeting up with Angele Menard, who is the director of the Lymphoma Foundation Canada, here in Montreal. Over a good cup of coffee, we discussed where I was headed with the events being planned. Things are progressing. She is happy, I am happy, hopefully I won't disappoint my many supporters.

12:32 p.m. I leave the cafe and head off to Maisonneuve Hospital where my mother is waiting for me so we can get my results from the x-rays I took last week. Last week I had to drink that gross liquid. 2 "beer" glass size filled with what looks like orange crush but tastes like glue. yum.yum. You have to drink it in 10 minutes and wait for 2 hrs before taking this specific exam, and the retarded joke is that there is another glass waiting for you before they hook you up to the machine. Those bastards!!!

Dr. Fish, my oncologist, sees me and calls me in the office. My mother is already tearing up and I have absolutely no reaction. WTF??? Dr. Fish looks at me and smiles. I tell him about the work I am doing for the foundation and that I got my scholarship to gradschool for my MFA. I am moving to Boston, fantastical! He tells my mother, "You have quite the implicit daughter." I am assuming I should take that as a compliment. I guess I shall have to bring a dictionary with me when I leave for Boston...lol...

He says things are looking good. My mother doesn't feel that this is a good enough reply, she needs details. "Is it gone?", she asks. "The tumor is gone." She double takes and kisses me all over, crying like a babe. I had lipstick marks everywhere and was more frustrated by having that all over my face...lol...She got up to kiss the doc and he didn't mind the liptick at all. I love him.

So guys this is what it is. My tumor is gone. Doesn't mean that my process is over though. I still have to undergo exams and start radiation to make sure that everything is out! OUT! OUT!OUT! This is fantastical news. What is better that he reassured my mother about me moving away and that all will be well.

We went to see nonna and nonno to tell them about the goodness. My mom screamed so loudly inside the garage that nonno freaked out a bit because his hearing aid went into overdrive...lol...god, I love my family, the crazies and tards all together. Nonna is going to donate money to Santo Rocco in Reggio Calabria, Italy because it was to him she prayed for my good health and to him she will give $500.00. What do you think he will do with it? ahh well...

Today was a good day. Now I have to go sew some pants for costume class tomorrow...YAY!! (arrrgghhhhh).

Tomorrow

When I was first thought to have cancer, the doctors were not able to fully diagnose which one it was. So obviously you think the worst. I imagined was myself in a coffin. All I envisioned were my parents crying. I didn't see anything, or anyone else. That sucked hard.

After finding out that I had Hodgkin's and knowing that it was treatable, I made a promise to myself to live how I saw fit. You sort of think you are invincible, even though you are almost bald and constantly vomitting. I became realistic of my situation. People continuosly say, "think positive". Yeah because my whole mission in life is to be negative! I woke up one morning and had cancer. Thats what happened. YOU try and think positive after some crap like that smacks your face into a huge reality check.

I think now that my skin is alot harder. My heart alot bigger but still on its guard, and my arms alot longer for those hugs I love so much. I need to be embraced by goodness. I don't think I can handle anymore bad news. I am tired. I need a break. I need time to breathe.

Tomorrow I get my results. I don't let alot of my emotions show but i'll tell you that I am totally shitting in my pants. Tomorrow I find out if my tumor is gone, when I start radiation and when I am expected to have a "clean bill of health". I am scared. This disease could potentially come back within the first 2 years. Someone up there better like me enough because I am not taking this shit no more...lol...

I guess i'll tell you tomorrow what happens. I need a bloody caesar really bad...lol...cheers!

"Tavola Grande"

My hall is booked for the 25th of May, the meal fantastical! Trying to line up some amazing acts so my "guests" won't get bored on a Sunday afternoon...hmmm...guests, I NEED BODIES!!! Jeeze Louise. Organizing is hard, but I am totally enjoying the challenge. My committee is comprised of a group of friends whom I love and adore. I have to believe all will work out.

I am doing this for a greater good and hopefully "God" will be nice to me this year because Santa was amazing, to my surprise!...hmmm....no more bad surprises! Jeeze Louise.

I implore you, support Lymphoma Research. Come to Tavola Grande and experience an afternoon with my nonna and nonno..lol. Nonna claims to not speak english but man she can understand it....lol. Tavola Grande is where I would have a meal with my family, around the "big table". Those who have supported my cause, and there have been many, also some that I have no idea who they are, but have now become part of my Tavola Grande because they are my family, friends, and supporters.

I will continue posting info as we go along, but if there is anyone reading this and would like more info about anything, please write to: wiggedoutinpurple@gmail.com.